April/May 2003 (v5 i6)
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Union secedes from the university
Texas Union director Andy Smith named 'Generalissimo for Life'
by Todd Mein, Staff Writer

AUSTIN — Yesterday, the management, work staff, and frequenters of the Union decided that they were fed up with the way the University of Texas was being run and opted to secede, forming the Texas Union Republic.

"We've got everything we need," said Kyle Kooling, treasurer of the republic and former information desk attendant. "Think about it: Taco Bell, Pasta! Pasta!, pianos, Lucky Dog, a movie theater, Field of Greens, The Bistro, that crazy-fast guy at Wendy's, The Cactus Café—arguably the best live music venue in Austin—Freshens, Chick-fil-A. Do you need me to go on? A video arcade, the laptop lounge, a pizzeria, informal classes that beat the other ones to shit, bowling, and about a million couches. We're better than what's-his-college over there, and if you ask me we're already proving it."

In a press conference to the university, President Larry Faulkner stated his position.

"We saw this coming for a long time, and hopefully we're prepared to deal with whatever setbacks it entails. I suppose we'll just have to establish a new place for students to eat, bowl, and advertise used mountain bikes and openings in jazz/rock bands."

To follow through with its complete separation from the university it once served, the Union took all UT merchandise from its souvenir racks, un-tacked any fliers pertaining to events outside the Union's walls, and developed its own currency to replace Bevo Bucks as well as a republic anthem written to the tune of "Jack and Diane." It has also barred its doors and restricted access to Union citizens only.

"I always find myself getting very angry and stressed out during class," said Colin Timsky, a Union militant, amidst the black lights, lasers, and music of Glow Bowl. "But when I get in the Union I relax and eat and talk on my cell phone—it's a real sanctuary. It's like it gives me back whatever UT stole from me. I love the Union. I'd die for the Union. Take a look around, baby! This is home!" With this, Colin took his ball and knocked down 4 of the 10 pins in his lane.

Pride seems to run deep in those who walk down the halls of the new Union. "You can smell it in the fast food on their breath and feel it warmly embracing your heart. Welcome compatriots…Welcome," said Chick-fil-A sauce manager Thomas Malquin.

"What'll it be?" says Kooling, waving his hand hypnotically over his register and glaring off into the distance. Now holding the elected title of mayor of Wendy's, he stood straight up and said, "The purpose of The Texas Union is to provide cultural, educational, social and recreational programs, as well as related goods and services to our own super cool republic-self. We are also working on getting rid of that strong, peculiar smell that radiates from Pasta! Pasta!. This is the new mission statement of the Texas Union Republic."
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