April/May 2003 (v5 i6)
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Secrets...REVEALED!
Recently, the University of Texas at Austin acquired the legendary Woodward and Bernstein papers detailing the events surrounding Nixon's Watergate scandal. What other secrets were there? What follows is a summary of the most interesting revelations.

Contrary to popular belief, the walrus was not Paul. The walrus was actually a fictional construct used to represent the drug-induced fanstasies and paranoias of a mega-popular rock group of the mid- to late-1960s. John, however, was a senior member of the eggmen.

The true identity of the JFK assassin involves an intricate web of lies, deception, international political intrigue, and government conspiracy, all boiling down to an alien microwave beam shot from Pluto.

The ultra-secret formula for Coke consists of nothing but a mixture of Sam's Choice cola and Eckerd's Dr. Thunder.

Tupac is alive and well. After a bloody assassination attempt that nearly ended his life, he retired from the music industry and went back to school. Since earning his Associate's Degree in business administration, he has risen to area manager of three Omaha Jack in the Box franchises. In his spare time, he runs the popular quilting-related website WarmFuzzies.net.

Salamanders are geniuses.

Highlights magazine was originally created to puzzle children into a mindless, submissive state and keep them easily controlled by the Government. However, officials and designers of the magazine got carried away with the fun of watercolors and underestimated the youngsters' ability to decipher which bear was wearing a hat with a feather in it and which was wearing a hat without a feather in it.

The televising of cheerleading competitions was the result of a substantial under-the-table offer from Jerry Lee Lewis to convince broadcasting companies to consider their Creepy Old Man demographic.

New York fashion shows serve no real purpose except to show you what the world might look like if it were filled with quasi-attractive heroin addicts in complicated raincoats.

Your girlfriend stayed with me last night.
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