April/May 2003 (v5 i6)
Worried about your future since 1997
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Your Monthly Horoscope
Officially endorsed by the American Association of False Prognostication.

CAPRICORN
(December 22 - January 19)
Life's monotony will be interrupted when a peregrine falcon flies into your car window as you eat at a Sonic Drive-In restaurant. Watch your french fries. Falcons love french fries.

AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
You will get punched in your lying brown eye.

PISCES
(February 19 - March 20)
No matter how much you fantasize about it, your dashboard hula will never give you bobble head.

ARIES
(March 21 - April 19)
That dream you had about your mom and your friend's car and the Toad King will probably come true sometime this weekend. Lock yourself in your bedroom and catch up on your soaps.

TAURUS
(April 20 - May 20)
Watching TV and seeing re-makes of He-Man, Transformers, and Swatches (in the form of zebra-print and neon Baby-Gs) will combine with the fact that we have a clueless Republican warmonger in the White House to convince you that the '80s are coming back in a big way.

GEMINI
(May 21 - June 20)
You'll suddenly gain a Zach Morris-like ability to "time-out" the workings of humanity and the world, but you'll never use it to do anything more than look up the skirts of passing women.

CANCER
(June 21 - July 22)
Amusement will give way to annoyance when you gain a devoted following of emotionally fragile wackos after the scar on your left buttock begins spontaneously issuing doomsday prophecies and recipes for really killer chicken paella.


LEO
(July 23 - August 22)
Your parents will give you a trip to Europe for graduation, but neither Amsterdam super-weed nor Swiss chocolate nor promiscuous Greeks will be able to ease the pain of the fact that you'll be back here by September, restocking shelves at the Party Pig Superstore.

VIRGO
(August 23 - September 22)
The nostalgic effects of watching the quintessential BMX-related cinematic triumph Rad will cause you to once again appreciate killer mags and awesome half-pipes.

LIBRA
(September 23 - October 22)
Stan (the Man) has got a plan in the can. You got to make or break, shake (not fake), and keep your dukes up under all the unrelenting pressure.

SCORPIO
(October 23 - November 21)
Listening to the blues, (oh those sweet sweet blues!) on your iPod during class will cause you to bob your head hard and rock forward on your seat, prompting your professor to inquire if you're autistic.

SAGITTARIUS
(November 22- December 21)
You'll go to the Travesty's movie night on Friday, April 18th at 10:00pm in the Texas Union Theatre. You will read more shameless self-promotion masquerading as real content.
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