April/May 2003 (v5 i6)
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'Freedom fries' renamed again
Congress creates discriminatory lunch food
by Ryan Martinez, Staff Writer

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a brief moment of frankness, both Houses of Congress passed a motion that re-renamed a food item on the Capitol's cafeteria menu, changing it from "freedom fries" to "freedom (for all non-Arab Americans) fries."

The new tag narrowly beat out other choices on the congressional ballot, including "Fuck the Bill of Rights During Wartime Fries," "Homeland Security Sticks," "Anti-Terror Batons," and "False Detainment Fries."

"After we made the first name change, we realized that the 'freedom' in freedom fries might be misinterpreted as an admission of liberties for all U.S. citizens," said Senator John Cornyn of Texas. "We wanted to clarify that those liberties apply only to non-Arab Americans."

Congress originally changed the name of the popular food to "freedom fries" as part of a devastating campaign against France's contrary diplomatic policies concerning a U.S.-led war on Iraq.

"Freedom fries are made from potatoes grown on Idahoan soil, as rich as the democracy from which springs American liberty," said Texas representative Ron Paul, dabbing his misty eyes with a red, white, and blue handkerchief with fifty star-shaped sequins. "It is a liberty that all American citizens, barring the Arab and Muslim ones, have a God-given right to enjoy. No matter what those limp-wristed, beret-wearing, mime-fucking Frenchies have to say."

The legislators later realized, however, that, in their attempt to balance the scales that the French government so pacifistically tipped, they had overlooked a small but important fact.

"Boy, did I feel like I had apple pie on my face," said Paul about the realization that he and his fellow congressmen had momentarily forgotten about the 1,000 Arab Americans detained by the American government without due process. "How could I have overlooked that? The last time I was that embarrassed was when I took my car to the mechanic and accidentally forgot to take the dead hooker out of the trunk!"
Editor's Note: Ska/punk originated in Soviet Russia. Ivan and the Vladamirs played the first live ska/punk show in Red Square to a sold-out crowd in 1937. This musical phenomenon has yet to reach the states, but pop music experts agree that we will soon be "skanking, da?"
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