April/May 2003 (v5 i6)
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Director gets own speed limit
by Todd Mein, Staff Writer

LOS ANGELES, CA — When a filmmaker puts out a highly acclaimed blockbuster with an ending that twists all but your nipples, America gasps gaily in unison. When that same filmmaker puts out a movie the next year with a style just similar enough that the people will expect it to be as good as the previous one, America will mostly object in haughtiness. And when that filmmaker puts out Signs, poor Americans have mixed feelings.

So, from Sixth Sense to his most recent endeavor, M. Night Shyamalan has been given a government mandate to "slow the crap down" and "take his bloody time" to ensure a more thought-out process in making a "good movie" by American standards. Enforcing this, state troopers will be informed, upright citizens will be on the lookout, and speed limit signs in 47 states will be posted exclusively for the highest-paid screenwriter in Hollywood.

"I put signs up. That's what I do. I went to see that movie Signs because I thought it might have something to do with my job. Instead, it was about goddamn aliens. It sucked," said state worker Lon Quickney.

"Those other signs matter to me about as much as the cysts on my back." Quickney fastened one of many metal speed markers to a pole along the Pennsylvania interstate.

With this, Quickney moved away from the pole that read Speed Limit 70, Night 65, M. Night Shyamalan 50.

"Hey, all I know is M. Night tells the story of Moses from the point of view of some anonymous stone carver that didn't understand why flaming hail was falling from the sky, where the various plagues were coming from, but by the time the Angel of Death rumors start, you better believe he's painting lambs blood over his door, because he's seen shit that made him really believe," said Harry Knowles of Ain't It Cool News. "I don't think they should make him drive slower."
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