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april/may dirtybriefs |
Norah Jones sweeps Grammies, Oscars, Ebony Awards, "Cutest Baby of Miami-Dade County" contest
MIAMI, FL - Continuing a winning streak that appears to have no end, popular singer Norah Jones took top honors in the "Cutest Baby of Miami-Dade County" beauty contest last week. The accolade is the latest in a long line of awards that the piano-playing songstress has recently garnered, including several Grammies, American Music Awards, Ebony Awards, Nobel prizes in Peace and Physics, and a "Most Appealing Entry Luxury Car" title from J.D. Power and Associates. "It's all so overwhelming. I'm thrilled that the judges were kind enough to consider me for this honor," said the unassuming singer, whose hit single "Don't Know Why" catapulted her to stardom. "I'd also like to take this opportunity to re-thank the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for naming me 'Best Supporting Actor' at this year's Oscars, even though I am not a male and did not act in any movie that was released in the past 12 months. Or ever, for that matter. And before I forget, I'd also like to thank Satan, without whom none of this would be possible."
'Giraffe roping' proven easier and more humorous alternative for rodeo
After observing a troubling lack of interest in calf-roping, the Professional Rodeo Association made a number of creative efforts to revamp the sport, experiencing the most positive crowd reaction when they replaced the traditional calf with a 12-foot-tall giraffe. "You can only chase the same animal around with a rope for so long before people, including the riders, begin to lose interest," says PRA representative Doug Mellard. "But that giraffe lends a whole new element to the rodeo. I dare you not to chuckle after seeing one of those lanky beasts get yanked and brought down like a ton of spotted somethin.'" Riders have found that the new changes not only revive the humor of injuring animals, but also make their jobs much easier. Ron Heathman explains, "First of all, them huge necks make for easy damn targets—it's like roping a street lamp. But also, these animals have no idea what's going on. Usually they just stand there like real tall retards."
Genius capitalization on pop culture raises Urban Outfitters Inc. to Fortune Top 100
NEW YORK, NY - Utilizing a lethal combination of shrewd marketing techniques and intimate knowledge of its target demographic, Urban Outfitters Inc. has predicted third quarter earnings of nearly $250 million. "We started off trying to find out what was popular with the kids and following those trends," vice president of development Hughbert H. Humbert said. "But after awhile, we were like, 'Fuck this, let's just sell whatever the hell we feel like and those rich suburbanite sheep will come in droves.'" Despite the store's inflationary prices and unoriginal products, Urban customers seem to be more than happy to play along. "I just love Urban. It's so counter-culture and 'out there,'" elementary education sophomore Daisy Andrews said. "I'm going to look so cool in my hammer and sickle baby-tee, and, I mean, where can you buy a Jesus action figure for 18.99? Urban, that's where."
Emo kid discovers "super awesome" band, keeps secret
COLUMBIA, MO - Last Saturday, the world of punk, indy, and Emo music was set on its heels as Chris Hires, a photo-journalism student at the University of Missouri discovered a "really deep" new Emo artist but refused to share the discovery with his friends. "There is no way I'm gonna tell my friends about this new band," Hires said. "Back in tenth grade I was totally the first person to be into 'Saves the Day' and 'Dashboard,' and now look how popular and shitty they are. I'm not gonna let that happen again." Hires' friends are reportedly very distressed about this breech of standard Emo manners. "This is total bullshit," friend Kellyn McLean said. "I mean, the other day Chris couldn't find a good wristband to match his little brother's t-shirt, and I totally bailed him out. Ever since his dad gave him that '83 Volvo, he thinks he's such the shit."
Local housewife can't imagine why Iraqis don't want power vacuum
WESTLAKE - Watching a news report of the Iraqi liberation, area housewife Joanne Cork failed to understand why citizens of the Middle Eastern country complained about the power vacuum left after the overthrow of Saddam Hussein's regime. "Do you know the cost of high-powered vacuums these days? I saw one in a Sears catalog for $100! If some invading army left one in my backyard, you'd bet your sweet caboose I'd take advantage of it," Cork said. Her exasperation was inspired by CNN footage headlined "Power Vacuum," in which an Iraqi man angrily objected to conditions in Baghdad after coalition forces rolled through the city. "Of course he's going to complain about a vacuum. Look at his hygiene! They should have left a Swiffer Sweeper with those ungrateful desert rats and given the power vacuum to me."
Unknown actor practicing reaction to future appearance on MTV's "Punk'd"
LOS ANGELES, CA - Jaques Winstead doesn't have to worry about looking like a putz when Ashton Kutcher shows up from Punk'd—he's ready. The 24-year-old actor and minor bit character on Everybody Loves Raymond has been practicing his reaction to MTV's practical joke show for the past 7 weeks. "I know that they'll probably try something with my dog... or my trash," the actor speculated. "I don't have a tricked-out Escalade like Justin Timberlake, but if they try to tow my Eclipse, I think I'll just try to play along," Winstead said from the living room of his Costa Mesa effeciency. "I'm gonna be cool about it. Some people give Ashton shit, but I don't think I will. I wonder if he'll want to hang out afterward?" Spokesmen for MTV said the network had no plans to "punk" Winstead any time soon. |
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