September 2006 (v9 i1)
Drinking Ourselves to Sleep Since 1997
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Bad dancer making sexy leave
Bad dancer making sexy leave
by Laura Schulman, Staff Writer

The stretch marks on Gerrick’s skirt are
surprisingly representative of her skin’s
actual texture, say her ‘friends.’
AUSTIN — In a scene that most considered disgraceful and vomitinducing, Kelly Gerrick evicted any semblance of sex appeal from the dance floor of Exodus, a popular Sixth Street venue. The incident occurred early Saturday morning during the hit song SexyBack, in which Justin Timberlake claims to singlehandedly reintroduce “sexy” to the general populace.

“Dude, JT’s song was ruined. That girl was making sexy leave,” grumbled Exodus patron Adrian Crane. “In fact, she almost caused a mass exodus.”

Observers reported that Gerrick, a history senior, appeared intoxicated as her dance began – a reasonable explanation for her multiple attempts combining “air guitar” with “riding the pony.” Despite these reports, her friends maintain Gerrick had not consumed any alcohol that night – just three Red Bull/Adderall cocktails.

“Kelly isn’t really into drinking, she just really likes to shake her groove thang!” exclaimed friend Lindsay Mullins, in Gerrick’s defense. “Kelly is, like, the best dancer out of all my friends — and that includes that black guy I went to high school with.”

Following her compliment, Gerrick cleared a space for herself on the dance floor with a whirling “sprinkler” maneuver, prompting a nearby man to choke on his appletini and stare in wide-eyed horror.

As the night wore on, Gerrick, a former third-string member of her high school’s drill team, began to gather increasing attention from the large weekend crowd. Launching herself onto the dance floor, Gerrick began to “hit up some very lucky dudes.”

“What up, Babe? [Are you] ready for your world to be rocked?” shouted Gerrick, pushing her imaginary shopping cart toward an indeterminate male. “Discount on aisle funk!”

As Gerrick moved across the dance floor, one man invited her to “grind up on him,” a mistake he appeared to immediately regret. In a sudden Tasmanian Devil-like whirlwind of flailing limbs and gnashing teeth, the unidentified male was tossed like a rag doll into the hoarded masses of Sixth Street.

At press time, Brackenridge Hospital reported his condition as “unconscious but stable.”

Other club-goers present the night of Gerrick’s alleged dancing reported a general decline in any “sexy” activity or thoughts as a direct result of Gerrick’s self-proclaimed “sweet moves.”

“I honestly felt like I was being sucked into a pitch black vortex in which no sexy matter has ever, or could ever exist in any capacity,” said Astronomy major Jacob Stein. “Plus, she flung some of her sweat on me, and it tasted like moldy fruit and hobo.”

Club managers hinted that Gerrick would most likely not be allowed to return to Exodus, citing sexual harassment of the dance floor.

However, Gerrick seemed undeterred: “I don’t even care what those jerks say, you know I’m gonna be bringing my sexy back to Exodus every weekend!”
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