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Bad dancer making sexy leave Bad dancer making sexy leave by Laura Schulman, Staff Writer
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 | The stretch marks on Gerrick�s skirt are
surprisingly representative of her skin�s
actual texture, say her �friends.� |
AUSTIN — In a scene that most considered disgraceful and vomitinducing, Kelly Gerrick evicted any semblance of sex appeal from the dance floor of Exodus, a popular Sixth Street venue. The incident occurred early Saturday morning during the hit song SexyBack, in which Justin Timberlake claims to singlehandedly reintroduce �sexy� to the general populace.
�Dude, JT�s song was ruined. That girl was making sexy leave,� grumbled Exodus patron Adrian Crane. �In fact, she almost caused a mass exodus.�
Observers reported that Gerrick, a history senior, appeared intoxicated as her dance began � a reasonable explanation for her multiple attempts combining �air guitar� with �riding the pony.� Despite these reports, her friends maintain Gerrick had not consumed any alcohol that night � just three Red Bull/Adderall cocktails.
�Kelly isn�t really into drinking, she just really likes to shake her groove thang!� exclaimed friend Lindsay Mullins, in Gerrick�s defense. �Kelly is, like, the best dancer out of all my friends — and that includes that black guy I went to high school with.�
Following her compliment, Gerrick cleared a space for herself on the dance floor with a whirling �sprinkler� maneuver, prompting a nearby man to choke on his appletini and stare in wide-eyed horror.
As the night wore on, Gerrick, a former third-string member of her high school�s drill team, began to gather increasing attention from the large weekend crowd. Launching herself onto the dance floor, Gerrick began to �hit up some very lucky dudes.�
�What up, Babe? [Are you] ready for your world to be rocked?� shouted Gerrick, pushing her imaginary shopping cart toward an indeterminate male. �Discount on aisle funk!�
As Gerrick moved across the dance floor, one man invited her to �grind up on him,� a mistake he appeared to immediately regret. In a sudden Tasmanian Devil-like whirlwind of flailing limbs and gnashing teeth, the unidentified male was tossed like a rag doll into the hoarded masses of Sixth Street.
At press time, Brackenridge Hospital reported his condition as �unconscious but stable.�
Other club-goers present the night of Gerrick�s alleged dancing reported a general decline in any �sexy� activity or thoughts as a direct result of Gerrick�s self-proclaimed �sweet moves.�
�I honestly felt like I was being sucked into a pitch black vortex in which no sexy matter has ever, or could ever exist in any capacity,� said Astronomy major Jacob Stein. �Plus, she flung some of her sweat on me, and it tasted like moldy fruit and hobo.�
Club managers hinted that Gerrick would most likely not be allowed to return to Exodus, citing sexual harassment of the dance floor.
However, Gerrick seemed undeterred: �I don�t even care what those jerks say, you know I�m gonna be bringing my sexy back to Exodus every weekend!� |
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| � Back to the September 2006 issue |
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