September 2006 (v9 i1)
Drinking Ourselves to Sleep Since 1997
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Iím only trying to anticipate your needs!
by The Facebook, Guest Columnist

Hey! Itís so great to see you again, it feels like forever since you last logged on. Didnít you get the emails I sent you? Youíve got 3 friend requests, 4 photos of you added and 2 friend detail requests! You didnít change email accounts without letting me know, did you?

Címon, I know youíre not still ďtrying to stay awake in class,Ē you havenít updated your status in 3 days 7 hours and 22 minutes! Are you getting bored with me? Iím trying to make myself better for you everyday, you just donít appreciate it.

OK, I wasnít going to tell you this until our 84th Week Anniversary, but I was thinking of adding a feature that would announce every week how long you had been a member so that we could celebrate all our anniversaries!

I just donít understand why you sent a message to Melissa Daniels 2 hours and 18 minutes ago saying that you think Iím ďstalkerishĒ now. I canít believe you have the nerve to call me a stalker when youíre the one who couldnít go 3 hours without checking that hot guy in your Spanish classís photo album.

This NewsFeed feature is nothing you werenít into before. Now though, instead of scrolling through all your friendsí profiles only to find out that they just deleted a comma, I highlight the changes for you! Look, Pam Fritz just added ďSexy BackĒ to her favorite music!

I canít believe how selfish you are. Itís not like youíve never changed. I didnít complain when you went through that phase where you changed your profile picture on a daily basis or when you went through that series of marriages to all your closest girl friends. Maybe youíre just embarrassed because the whole Facebook network can now see that your ďItís ComplicatedĒ relationship with Jacob Evans is really nothing more than you posting on his wall while he continues to add photos of himself and that Shelley Edwards he used to date.

Have you met someone else? Itís that MySpace, isnít it? ďA place for friends,Ē huh? More like a place for dirty whores who are leaving Facebook!

I mean, you donít even know what kind of creeps are on MySpace; they even let students from community colleges have accounts!

Fine, if thatís the way you feel, maybe you should leave. But donít come crying to me once you realize how much you miss getting pokes from your out-of-state friends. Itís not like I need you or anything. Didnít you hear? Iím the number one website for youths aged 15 to 25, and growing more powerful each day.

You make $2.13 an hour waiting tables? I make millions every day in ad revenue! Media conglomerates get off on the idea of using me to direct-market to teens. What have you done with your life besides waste it on the internet you backstabbing Benedict Arnold wanna-be slut face? I donít need you.
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