 I’m only trying to anticipate your needs! by The Facebook, Guest Columnist
Hey! It’s so great to see you again, it feels like forever since you last logged on. Didn’t you get the emails I sent you? You’ve got 3 friend requests, 4 photos of you added and 2 friend detail requests! You didn’t change email accounts without letting me know, did you?
C’mon, I know you’re not still “trying to stay awake in class,” you haven’t updated your status in 3 days 7 hours and 22 minutes! Are you getting bored with me? I’m trying to make myself better for you everyday, you just don’t appreciate it.
OK, I wasn’t going to tell you this until our 84th Week Anniversary, but I was thinking of adding a feature that would announce every week how long you had been a member so that we could celebrate all our anniversaries!
I just don’t understand why you sent a message to Melissa Daniels 2 hours and 18 minutes ago saying that you think I’m “stalkerish” now. I can’t believe you have the nerve to call me a stalker when you’re the one who couldn’t go 3 hours without checking that hot guy in your Spanish class’s photo album.
This NewsFeed feature is nothing you weren’t into before. Now though, instead of scrolling through all your friends’ profiles only to find out that they just deleted a comma, I highlight the changes for you! Look, Pam Fritz just added “Sexy Back” to her favorite music!
I can’t believe how selfish you are. It’s not like you’ve never changed. I didn’t complain when you went through that phase where you changed your profile picture on a daily basis or when you went through that series of marriages to all your closest girl friends. Maybe you’re just embarrassed because the whole Facebook network can now see that your “It’s Complicated” relationship with Jacob Evans is really nothing more than you posting on his wall while he continues to add photos of himself and that Shelley Edwards he used to date.
Have you met someone else? It’s that MySpace, isn’t it? “A place for friends,” huh? More like a place for dirty whores who are leaving Facebook!
I mean, you don’t even know what kind of creeps are on MySpace; they even let students from community colleges have accounts!
Fine, if that’s the way you feel, maybe you should leave. But don’t come crying to me once you realize how much you miss getting pokes from your out-of-state friends. It’s not like I need you or anything. Didn’t you hear? I’m the number one website for youths aged 15 to 25, and growing more powerful each day.
You make $2.13 an hour waiting tables? I make millions every day in ad revenue! Media conglomerates get off on the idea of using me to direct-market to teens. What have you done with your life besides waste it on the internet you backstabbing Benedict Arnold wanna-be slut face? I don’t need you. |
