September 2006 (v9 i1)
Drinking Ourselves to Sleep Since 1997
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Who’s ready for mixed drinks and card games during Friday’s lock-in?
by Edward (but call me Ed!), Church Youth Minister

And by mixed drinks, I mean CRAZY combinations like Cherry Coke and cranberry juice. All that sugar sure gets me pumped up for an EXCITING card game of BS. I don’t know what BS means, but it sure tires out your hands so they don’t get restless to participate in SINFUL activities!

The lock-in starts at 6 PM, which is late enough to have a nice family dinner but too early to start hanging out with other, SECULAR friends whose parents sleep in on Sunday. Just don’t eat too much at dinner. Not only would you be a condemned glutton, but you’d also miss out on the chocolate chocolate-chip cookies I bought at Randall’s. (Don’t worry parents—they’re SnackWells!)

And boys, I know that you’re getting older and things are happening to your body, but remember: boys are blue and girls are red. Purple waits for marriage! We’ll be talking about what’s happening to those WILD h o r m o n e s when we play P r e m a r i t a l S e x Catastrophe Bingo. The first person to get five in a row may not actually be used goods, but that’s what you’ll win! You’ll get first pick of the leftovers from the Jeans for Jesus clothing drive we had last week. I spent all last night getting the stains out and “donating” the sweater vests to my wardrobe. I’ll sure have to spend a lot of time in my closet organizing it all. (Boy, I sure hope I’m out in time for the lock-in!)

And after bingo, we’re going to have a RAVE. A “Get Saved” rave! We’ll be dancing to Creed, Lifehouse, P.O.D. and that one song by Jimmy Eat World. If you’re dancing with someone else, be sure to leave room for the Father, Son and HOLY SPIRIT! (And parents: the only X at our rave is marking the date on the church calendar for our father/ son above-ground pool party.)

Just because we’ll have so many AWESOME activities for the Teen Team doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten the young ones. Our little saved tots will be practicing a vaudevillian musical adaptation of Leviticus that I wrote.

Don’t tell anyone, but I love singing show tunes when I’m showering for church on Sunday.

But that’s not all! Once the clock strikes 8:30, we’ll be screening the smash hit The Omega Code. It’s too cool for the rental section at Randall’s, but not for our church’s VHS film library! After that, it’s all aboard my Ford Aerostar so everyone can be home by 10.

All these AMAZING activities almost make me forget that I come from a broken family whose father questions my sexuality when he calls me in a drunken stupor with the sound of my stepmother’s sobs in the background.
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