September 2006 (v9 i1)
Drinking Ourselves to Sleep Since 1997
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My opinion is extremely important
by David Strauss, Editor-In-Chief

As editor, my opinion is very important. Because I was also editor of my high school paper and my middle school paper, my opinions are triply important. How many editorships have you had? Exactly. If you want the chance to sound erudite (in big kidsí language, that means smart) then read on and supplant your opinions with mine. You owe it to yourself. At least, thatís what I think. So that means do it.

Iíll start with my favorite color. Nay, the favorite color. Itís green. Next opinion.

Abortion is bad. I think of all my ideas as unborn realities, and I refuse to accept a world that harshly refuses to bring them to term. If someone has to adopt them, thatís fine, as long as Iím credited as the father.

Four is the best number. Granted, I had to quickly choose a favorite number in my fifth-grade math class for Number Gnomes, but itís probably more thought than youíve ever given to the best number. Youíd probably choose something lame and prime.

World hunger should be treated more abstractly. People donít hunger for ďriceĒ or ďlife-sustaining nutrition.Ē They hunger for inspiration, and thatís the kind of hunger one can only sate through wider syndication of my work.

Dark eyes are prettier than blue ones, despite my complexion as the latter. Maybe thatís how Warren Jeffs got all the women. Then again, it might be his iron-fist control over his polygamist-cult followers.

I think split infinitives are good, and Iíve got the 100% in eighthgrade Language Arts to prove it.

Humus is better than baba ghanoush.

This is probably so profound that Iím going to let you take a break until next month. Try not to pass any of these off as your own. Itís not like people would believe you came up with them, anyway.

Editorís note: I can add these comments now, as even my opinion about other opinions is very important. Note how this italicized text draws additional attention to my thoughts. You may even want to consider skipping the actual content and reading these notes instead. Itís really all that matters.
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