September 2006 (v9 i1)
Drinking Ourselves to Sleep Since 1997
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Travesty women: serious about bringing you the funny

Travesty men: seriously don’t care
I could really go for a sandwich right now
by Bradley Jackson, Features Editor

The babes of the Travesty asked me to write a feminist editorial from a male perspective about how the Travesty embraces “womyn” in the incredibly demanding world of print media. There was some other crap about “delving into how these professional females lend their substantial talents to an award winning publication,” but I thought it would be a better idea to write about what these women really contribute to the Travesty: absolutely nothin’.

Women be shoppin’

Seriously guys, women be crazy with their shoppin’. I can understand a woman spending a man’s hard-earned dollars on products that he can appreciate, like cheap beer or Ultimate Fighting VHS tapes, but when they be buying stuff like shoes or feminine hygiene products I get so furious I bleed from my eyes. Every time I’m in the Travesty office the “babe-arinos” always be yapping about going to the mall to buy a new hat or corsage or something, but they never seem too concerned about the price. “Three hundred dollars? We’ll just put it on Daddy’s credit card. And after we shop we’ll totally pig out on CHOCOLATE!!!!!”*

Women be cryin’

Here’s what I don’t understand — if I see a dude crying in public, my first reaction is to curb-spike and then pants him. If a woman cries in public, such behavior is accepted — in fact, you’re actually supposed to comfort her. I hate double standards like that. for example, the other day one of the chicas on the Travesty forgot to purchase the proper seasoning for the rump roast and tube steak dinner I ordered her to prepare for the men on staff; and when I began screaming profanity at her in the Wal-mart parking lot, she started crying like a little tool. I thought about comforting her, but the idea of showing any sort of emotion made me feel like a douche. However, after doing a hundred push-ups in the parking lot, I cooled off and felt fit to drive again

Women be gossipin’

Apparently, women like to talk a lot, and when they’re not spewing verbal vomit about shoppin’ (see above) they like to do something called gossipin’, which usually involves spreading rumors about another chick.

Women on the Travesty always be like, “Did you see Sally Sue yesterday? She looks so fat. I bet she hates her life,” and, “I can’t believe Debbie Jo thinks she can hit on my man. Good thing I’m not fat like her!”

I mean, when I have a problem with one of the Travesty dudes being gay and stuff I just hold a knife over his throat and scream until he passes out. Why can’t women do that?

Women be pissin’ all the time

This is all the scientific proof I need to show beyond a shadow of a doubt that men are far superior to women. A couple of ladies on staff were vacuuming and mopping the office yesterday, and they kept having to pee all the time. This is unacceptable. I have not urinated in three days and I could probably go two more if I could stand the thought of not seeing my wang-daddy for that long.

Now, a lot of the women on the Travesty be complaining that I’m “sexist,” “mysoginistic” and “really uninteresting,” but that is categorically untrue. I am interested in a lot of awesome things - things like: BEER, BABES, PARTIES, CAMAROS, HUNTING RIFLES, ELECTRIC GUITARS, AIR GUITARS, HIGHLIGHTEDHAIR, BEER, WWE, MUDFLAPS, GYMNASTICS, BONFIRES, LAWN MOWERS, DOLPH LUNDGREN MOVIES, FIRE WORKS, AMERICAN FLAGS, LEE GREENWOOD, BEER, DERMOT MULRONEY, SNAKES, LOAFERS and SAW HORSES.

Those are the only things I be shoppin’ for.

*Whenever I be quotin’ women in this article, imagine I’m all acting feminine and stuff.
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