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Freshman still glad he’s not living in the dorms First-year student: ‘Celibate, solitary existence beats Jester West any day’ by Sara Kanewske, Associate Editor
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 | “Who needs friends when you’ve got 500
square feet of emptiness?” Trowley, an
Electrical Engineering major, says not getting
laid gives him more time for studying, tearful
masturbation. |
CAMPUS — Freshman Matt Trowley recently paid his first month’s rent at his off-campus apartment, which he selected as a better alternative to liv-ing in a dorm. “Man, no way was I going to spend my first year in col-lege in a glorified jail cell with some loser who listens to techno music all night,” explained Trowley. “Having my own off-campus apartment is to-tally going to rock!”
Although Trowley has only had one party at his new residence, he is certain that more will follow. “I had a few guys come over for some beers I scored with my fake the other weekend,” said Trowley. “But we only watched one episode of ‘Family Guy’ before they had to catch the last bus back to campus.”
Trowley’s friends from high school have had no problem throwing par-ties in their dorms. “Last weekend these two babes from my Rheto-ric class came by to split a six-pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade my RA bought us,” said Jeff Michaels, Trow-ley’s friend. “We had to ration it out to a bottle-and-a-half each, but it was definitely more fun than the sausage-fest at Matt’s apartment last week-end.”
Trowley admits he has had some difficulties making friends with his apartment neighbors. “The brochure described this place as a haven for sexy, young college students ready to party, but the only person I’ve met so far is a 28 year old grad student who I’m pretty sure has a kid,” said Trowley.
Decorating the new apartment was one of Trowley’s primary concerns. “I was helping Tyler move his stuff into that hell-hole Jester and they had this poster sale going on,” said Trowley. “I got two really hot Maxim posters to add to the Bud Light cut-out I al-ready had. That way my apartment feels like home and not like some stupid dorm.” Trowley added, “I even put a giant Texas flag over my bed.”
Newfound independence has pre-sented some difficulties for Trowley, who has never lived alone before. “Bills turned out to be a lot more complicated than I expected,” admit-ted Trowley. “Having to cook every meal is annoying, but it beats eating cafeteria food.
”Trowley’s Jester friends point out that despite this boast of freedom and “primo living,” Trowley fre-quents JCL, looking to bum food off his friends. “Yeah, Matt always jokes about how much the food sucks here at the dorm,” said friend Jeff Mi-chaels. “But the guy is making a seri-ous dent in my dine-in dollars. If he keeps trying to mooch food off me, I’ll probably stop taking his calls.”
Despite the inconveniences of liv-ing farther away from his friends, Trowley still maintains that spending his freshman year in an apartment is a good decision. “I don’t care if those losers don’t have cars so they can’t come visit me out here — it still beats living in a dorm,” said Trowley. “Nothing can replace the feeling of walking into my big, empty apart-ment and thinking ‘Whose house? Matt’s house!’” |
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