September 2006 (v9 i1)
Drinking Ourselves to Sleep Since 1997
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’N Sync’s Chris Kirkpatrick: ‘I’m Still Alive’
‘I was the guy with dreads,’ claims boy-band alum; public remains skeptical
by Bradley Jackson, Features Editor

Kirkpatrick’s controversial announcement
ironically failed to produce anything but dead
sales of Persons magazine.
JACKSONVILLE, FL — Chris Kirkpatrick, former member of the popular boy band ’N Sync, announced that he was still alive in a press conference last Thursday.

“I’m just glad to get this weight off my shoulder,” claimed Kirkpatrick as he fiddled with the beads in his multicolored dreadlocks. “It’s never fun living with a secret, but now that my millions of fans know that I’m still alive, I feel like a new man.”

Kirkpatrick along with Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Joey Fatone and Lance Bass founded ’N Sync in 1995 and eventually went on to sell over 25 million albums worldwide. However, the band went their separate ways in 2003 with both Timberlake and Chasez releasing solo albums, Fatone starring in Rent on Broadway and Bass attempting to travel to the moon.

During that period, Kirkpatrick claimed he took some time off to reflect upon his past, present and future. “I definitely wasn’t dead. Seriously. Remember that song ‘It’s Gonna Be Me?’ Remember when I hit that sweet high note at the end? That was me guys.”

Former band leader and current pop sensation Justin Timberlake applauded Kirkpatrick for his bravery. “I’m so excited that Chris decided to make it known to the world that he was gay. I wish only the best for him and his significant other… What? I thought that guy was dead. Wait, was he the one in that ‘Greek Wedding’ movie? OK, I really don’t know who you’re talking about anymore.”

Dry humping the stove top in his tour bus, Timberlake added: “Did I mention that I’m bringing sexy back?”

Other band members have been equally supportive. “Having dealt with living a life of secrecy for several years I definitely know what it feels like to come clean,” said Lance Bass.

When asked to elaborate further on this statement, Bass replied, “I’m gay. Has everyone forgotten already?”

Despite some of his former band members’ lack of concern, Kirkpatrick remains optimistic about his future. “Now that people know I’m actually alive, I feel like I can do anything,” he stated while editing his own personal entry on Wikipedia. “I mean, if an unattractive, high pitched, ex-boy band member like myself can’t find something in this world, then I don’t know who can.”
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