September 2006 (v9 i1)
Drinking Ourselves to Sleep Since 1997
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september dirtybriefs

‘Having a big dick is hard,’ says campus-area resident
AUSTIN — Well-endowed financial-planner Mark Stevens privately regretted his larger-than-average penis last Thursday during a routine bathroom break.

“It’s definitely one of those ‘be careful what you wish for situations,’” thought Stevens as he painstakingly tucked his member back inside his Big n’ Tall brand boxer briefs. Stevens, who has been struggling with his sizeable genitals ever since he hit puberty at the age of seven, often laments his inability to wear shorts, ride bicycles, or even mow his own lawn. “And the ridicule I went through as a kid,” he privately recollected. “Always being called ‘Meatwagon’ or ‘King Dong’ or ‘Hugecock McGee.’

”From Stevens’ perspective, it appears that the gift of a large phallus is just as much a curse as it is a blessing. “What kind of life is this?” he later commented to himself after clumsily knocking another cup of coffee off his desk with his semi-erect organ. Stevens’ outlook changed, however, shortly before partaking in his second orgy of the weekend.

Rice pummels ACC, 52-7
AUSTIN — In a dazzling display of offensive and defensive prowess, the Rice University Owls football team completed a near-perfect game against the outmatched Austin Community College Kimono Dragons last weekend. “They should be embarrassed,” gloated drunken Rice fan Todd Blumberg after the game. “The only thing sadder than their football team is the fact that I spend more on laundry than they do on tuition.” When asked to comment, ACC student Blaire Compton replied, “We have a football team? I thought they were a gay support group.” While many feel that it is unfair to pit such unevenly matched teams against each other, it is becoming a common practice in the NCAA. “Clearly those people don’t’ realize how important winning is,” commented Blumberg. “Do I pass judgment on a 5th grader that visits neighboring elementary schools during recess so he can beat the shit out of some kid half his size? HELL NO!” Blumberg added: “ACC who?” The Rice team looks forward to the rest of its season, playing such formidable opponents as ITT Technical Institute, DeVry University, and The University of Phoenix Online.

Swiss Army knife can’t repair sink,diffuse nuclear warhead
HOUSTON — Upon reading the instruction manual for his Swiss Army knife, George Holden discovered the famed knife could neither diffuse a nuclear warhead nor repair his BMW’s kitchen sink. “I am incensed by the false marketing declarations this corporation has imposed upon the American people,” explained an upset Holden, carving a miniature boxcar racer with the worthless knife. “I shall personally file suit against the manufacturer for this shoddy, stainless steel, 16-utensil piece of shit.” Holden put down the boxcar and began orienting himself with the state-of-the-art compass before continuing. “I bet it couldn’t even cut down the oak tree in my front yard.” Holden continued: “Honestly.”

Swiss Army knife can’t repair sink, diffuse nuclear warhead
CAMPUS — Ailing students report that Professor John O’Neill’s Middle Ages lecture has been plagued with a yawning epidemic since early September. “I don’t know what came over me, but three minutes into the first lecture I was already yawning, and he was only going over the syllabus,” said sophomore Brittany Neilson, fighting back a feeling of general malaise. “I think I may be a carrier.”

Despite O’Neill’s attempts at engaging students with exciting topics such as the daily rituals of Franciscan monks and serf-feudal lord relations, the yawning epidemic has continued to spread to nearly one-third of his upper-division history class.

Students in other colleges have made similar reports about class epidemics, including an Intro to 60s Counter Culture class that repeatedly shows up high and a computer science lab that has been assimilated by the Borg.

Area woman has no clue how hard she almost got laid last night
AUSTIN — According to neighbor Chad Harris, local woman Anne Killman “has no idea how hard she almost got laid” Monday evening. “We had a couple of the neighbors over to watch the football game and drink some ‘Brew-nannies,’ and I could tell that Anne totally wanted my ‘Dongosaurus Rex’,” claimed Harris as he wrote another message on Killman’s Facebook wall. “If I hadn’t passed out after my second Jaeger bomb she’d probably still be taking a horizontal ride on my flesh pogo-stick.”

Although Killman claims that she finds Harris, “misogynistic,” “idiotic” and “a closet homosexual,” Harris refused to believe the rumors that Killman didn’t want to engage “in a serious pipe laying session.”

“She’s just like all the other girls who claim they don’t want a piece of the Chadster, but secretly do,” claimed Harris as he confidently pantomimed firing a gun with his thumb and forefinger. “I’ll put it this way, if I actually hooked up with as many girls as I know I could have, I definitely wouldn’t still be a virgin.”

College student suspicious of girlfriend’s new cat
AUSTIN — Sophomore Dale Lowman’s distrust of his girlfriend’s new cat Silky increased again yesterday. Lowman, who was introduced to the animal less than two weeks ago, has cited the cat’s “hollow eyes” and “demon-like ears” as just some of his many causes for concern. “It’s always staring at me,” bemoaned Lowman. “I swear to god it’s planning something.”

Frequent pleas to Lowman’s girlfriend for the cat’s removal have been refused on account of the animal’s reported “snugglywuggly” tendencies and “smoochie little nose.” Unfortunately, Lowman remains unconvinced. “I woke up last night and the damn thing was sitting on my face. I think it was trying to smother me or fart in my mouth. I don’t know,” he stated. “It’s gonna be him or me, man.”

When approached for comment, the feline narrowed its eyes, slowly rubbed its two front paws together, and hacked out a hairball that strikingly resembled Lowman’s face.

Spielberg’s ‘Fucking Unitarians’ comment goes unnoticed
   Director apologizes at press conference; no one cares
HOLLYWOOD — Steven Spielberg’s unprovoked attack on the Unitarian denomination of Christianity yesterday went largely unnoticed by the general public. The award-winning director, stopping into a popular chain coffee shop during a break from preproduction on Indiana Jones 4, was holding his cup in one hand while reaching for a top with the other when 7-year-old Sally Harpold bumped into him, spilling a scalding non-dairy mochaccino on his hand.

Witnesses report that the Hollywood legend carefully put what remained of his beverage on the counter, paused for a moment to dramatically look at his burning hand before roughly grabbing the girl by both shoulders and screaming, “Fucking Unitarians! Unitarians are responsible for all the wars in the world. Are you a Unitarian?” The girl, unable to answer out of fear of reprisal, ran to her mother.

The director, eyeing the other customers of the coffee shop and muttering “Fucking Unitarians,” turned and left. Many witnesses reported the incident to the press, but the story has not been publicized because of the Jews’ well-known control over the media.
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