September 2006 (v9 i1)
Drinking Ourselves to Sleep Since 1997
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We’re back from summer vay-kay guys, and what a summer it was! Now it’s back to school, and we’ve got more dirty secrets than the lining of your bikini. Speaking of bikinis, freshman Lilly Kirkberg hasn’t been able to fit into her’s since she discovered Chicken-Fried Steak Night at Kinsolving Cafeteria. It looks like she’s traded her bikini line for the buffet line!

Speaking of bikini lines — did anyone see sophomore Tyler Mueller streak across the six pack last Tuesday? Clearly, the only six-pack he had was found by his father in his dorm room mini-fridge — along with a kilo of blow!

But Tyler wasn’t the only one blowing this weekend! It seems freshman Carolyn Weaver took a blow to her reputation when she blew more poles than a gale-force wind.

And speaking of wind, did you hear the fart that Professor Niles O’Hurley discharged in the middle of his seminar on chemical bonding in a lipid-free neutral zone? Let’s just say his natural gas isn’t as inert as the argon-filled cathode ray he lit earlier.

Did someone say argon? Looks like junior Patton Greisley’s chances of getting laid are gone for his decision to dress up as Aragorn for his fraternity’s Lord of the Bling party. Good thing the extended editions are out, because Greisley is going to have a lot of time, among other things, on his hands.

Rumor has it, TJ Sharp’s hands have been busy toting around his flask all weekend. Given that he was spotted leaving the Delta’s resident fat girl’s room Saturday morning, let’s hope for Sharp’s sake a lot of alcohol was involved.

Hopefully, TJ can clean up his act. While we’re on the topic of cleaning, junior Carly Jameson doesn’t have it maid. After cleaning out her bank account, she’ll have to clean toilets at Towers to pay her rent. I guess she’ll be spending her nights with Mr. Clean!

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