March 2006 (v8 i5)
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Dorm resident discovers rice in roll of quarters
by Kristin Hillery, Editor-In-Chief

The use of rice in terrorism goes
against the grain of traditional methods
CAMPUS — Undeclared freshman Kaylie Haysbogue discovered a starchy substance in a roll of quarters while doing laundry in Jester East, officials said Monday.

“I was completely weirded out when I opened the quarters,” said Haysbogue. “Who leaves something as hazardous as rice in quarters, anyway?”

Haysbogue, a third-floor resident of the dormitory, immediately reported the grainy discovery to her RA, Lindsay Mickleson.

“The fact is that Kaylie was smart enough to drop the quarters, not taste the mysterious substance, and alert someone that there was a life-threatening emergency going on,” explained Mickleson. “I would have been steamed if she had let things boil over.”

Haysbogue added, “My Uncle Ben warned me that it can take a minute or less for infection to set in, so I knew I had to act fast.”

S—ptoms of rice ingestion include a feeling of fullness — similar to what one feels after consuming food — and the moving of bowels.

The FBI emphasized that they would run more tests in order to determine the strain of the rice found.

“You know, it’s a sticky situation,” said Special Agent Frank Fillerston. “It could be anything: brown rice, jasmine rice, white rice, wild rice — even, God forbid, the dreaded basmati strain. Some evidence points to the whole thing being a fluff, but we’re definitely not going to put this investigation on the back burner.”

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