March 2006 (v8 i5)
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‘Patriot Act is nothing new,’ says local father
Dad has secretly listened to daughters’ private phone calls, searched laundry for notes
by Kelsey Lamb, Staff Writer

PHILADELPHIA — Amidst the heated debate over civil liberties that surrounds the Patriot Act, Robert Waller, father of four teenage girls, finds “nothing wrong” with President Bush’s initiative to monitor phone conversations with the intention of preventing acts of terrorism.

“When you get down to it, Bush and Congress are basically just putting America on one phone line,” said Waller. “It’s easier for them to pick up in the kitchen and have a listen for safety purposes, you know?”

Waller has recently implemented his own phone-monitoring program to spy on his daughters. He described catching 14-year-old Bethany in a “red alert level” conversation.

“One minute Bethany was talking about cheerleading practice, and the next minute she made an off-handed comment about ‘being late,’” explained Waller. “She could have been talking about her inability to be punctual. But a father — or a president, for that matter — can never be too careful.”

Although referred to by his daughters as an “unruly tyrant” and a “nosey douche-hole,” Waller maintains his actions do not warrant explanation.

“If you hear your daughter whispering sweet nothings about ‘getting stoned’ to some youthful renegade, you have an obligation to step in,” declared Waller. “She may claim they were conversing about their youth minister’s recent sermon about persecution in the early church, but I’m quite confident they were talking about smoking grass.”

Waller added: “I bet President Bush wishes he had enacted this legislation during his own daughters’ scandalous teenage years.”

While Waller has mastered the art of phone tapping, he soon hopes to gain access to his daughters’ AIM and MySpace accounts.

“Right now my methods are rather primitive,” admitted Waller. “With their rapid, text-based conversations, there’s only so much my old hunting binoculars and Polaroid camera can capture.”

“All I know is if I want to completely trust my daughters, I must see what HawtNspicy6969 is sending them at all hours of the night,” asserted Waller, as he stealthily ducked behind his daughter’s SpongeBob inflatable chair.

Along with electronic surveillance, Waller strongly agrees with the warrant-less property searches allowed under the Patriot Act.

The suspicious father discovered notes in his daughter Amber’s jean pockets that contained “suspicious and lewd” slang words, such as “LOL j/k” and explicit references to “crushes on boys.”

“Amber would be kidding herself to think I couldn’t decode these sorts of cryptic missives,” boasted Walker.

After digging through piles of dirty laundry and back issues of YM, Waller soon discovered the “holy grail” of Amber’s youthful experimentation.

“A half-empty bottle of what appeared to be generic female pain medicine was all I needed to validate my hasty assumptions,” continued Waller, “I took one of those man-roofies, and I was out for hours.”

Waller’s daughters declined a telephone interview and abruptly hung up after hearing breathing in the background.

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