I feel empty inside, baby! by Dick Vitale, Sports Announcer
 I can�t believe it�s already March, BABY! This season has been UN-believable, but you better get your dancing shoes on. Coach K has the Cameron Crazies jumping up and down, Calhoun and UConn are ready to play, and you can�t count out the guards at Villanova. The fans are gonna go bananas! But not me, BABY. Why? Because there�s an empty chasm in my body where my soul used to be!
OOOH! I can�t get over how amazing this game is. Do we get paid for this? It�s filled with diaper dandies, PTP�ers, and SUPER SCINTILLATING SENSATIONAL coaches. Unfortunately, I�m a heartless machine completely devoid of human feeling, so I can�t really enjoy it. Can�t feel any pleasure at all, BABY! No joy!
Basketball is all I do now — it�s taken over my life, BABY. If there�s a game going on, I can�t help but watch it. I�ll want to talk about how great both the coaches are, what nice kids the players are, and I�ll want to surf around in all the crowds. I have to SNORT two lines just to come down after games, BABY! I can no longer get an erection!
I�M IMPOTENT, BABY! I just can�t wait to watch the tournament! I�ll be at home with the remote control, baby, just searching around for the next great game. Anything to replace the noise of my wife calling me a junkie and my kids trying to take my money! You don�t know what it�s like to have to face your family when all you want to do is watch every college basketball game. I keep telling them I�m a cyborg who doesn�t know what love is, but they just don�t listen. Dickie V has no family, BABY!
The coaches have been OUT-standing this season. What a bunch of tremendous role models for our young athletes to look up to. They made college basketball into the sport that we all love. They also have made me into a blathering moron who can�t function in the real world. Isn�t there a game on somewhere, BABY?
I love to make my appearances. Everywhere I go, people look at me and say, �Oooh, Dickie V. You got it made! Your job is to watch college basketball.� If only those people could take on the hysteric visions I see in the deep recesses of my mind, BABY. Then they would know what it�s like to feel true pain!
But the tournament is going to be A-mazing, BABY. Three weeks of the best basketball action in the world. I only wish that there were some way to make this world less cold! |
