March 2006 (v8 i5)
Fondling Bats Since 1997
 Jump to Issue  


Interactive
Buy Merchandise

AIM Buddy Icons

Desktop Backgrounds

Webcam

I feel empty inside, baby!
by Dick Vitale, Sports Announcer

I can’t believe it’s already March, BABY! This season has been UN-believable, but you better get your dancing shoes on. Coach K has the Cameron Crazies jumping up and down, Calhoun and UConn are ready to play, and you can’t count out the guards at Villanova. The fans are gonna go bananas! But not me, BABY. Why? Because there’s an empty chasm in my body where my soul used to be!

OOOH! I can’t get over how amazing this game is. Do we get paid for this? It’s filled with diaper dandies, PTP’ers, and SUPER SCINTILLATING SENSATIONAL coaches. Unfortunately, I’m a heartless machine completely devoid of human feeling, so I can’t really enjoy it. Can’t feel any pleasure at all, BABY! No joy!

Basketball is all I do now — it’s taken over my life, BABY. If there’s a game going on, I can’t help but watch it. I’ll want to talk about how great both the coaches are, what nice kids the players are, and I’ll want to surf around in all the crowds. I have to SNORT two lines just to come down after games, BABY! I can no longer get an erection!

I’M IMPOTENT, BABY! I just can’t wait to watch the tournament! I’ll be at home with the remote control, baby, just searching around for the next great game. Anything to replace the noise of my wife calling me a junkie and my kids trying to take my money! You don’t know what it’s like to have to face your family when all you want to do is watch every college basketball game. I keep telling them I’m a cyborg who doesn’t know what love is, but they just don’t listen. Dickie V has no family, BABY!

The coaches have been OUT-standing this season. What a bunch of tremendous role models for our young athletes to look up to. They made college basketball into the sport that we all love. They also have made me into a blathering moron who can’t function in the real world. Isn’t there a game on somewhere, BABY?

I love to make my appearances. Everywhere I go, people look at me and say, “Oooh, Dickie V. You got it made! Your job is to watch college basketball.” If only those people could take on the hysteric visions I see in the deep recesses of my mind, BABY. Then they would know what it’s like to feel true pain!

But the tournament is going to be A-mazing, BABY. Three weeks of the best basketball action in the world. I only wish that there were some way to make this world less cold!
« Back to the March 2006 issue
©1997-2006 Texas Travesty | Copyright & Legalese | Issue Credits | Texas Travesty Archives Home