March 2006 (v8 i5)
Fondling Bats Since 1997
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I feel empty inside, baby!
by Dick Vitale, Sports Announcer

I canít believe itís already March, BABY! This season has been UN-believable, but you better get your dancing shoes on. Coach K has the Cameron Crazies jumping up and down, Calhoun and UConn are ready to play, and you canít count out the guards at Villanova. The fans are gonna go bananas! But not me, BABY. Why? Because thereís an empty chasm in my body where my soul used to be!

OOOH! I canít get over how amazing this game is. Do we get paid for this? Itís filled with diaper dandies, PTPíers, and SUPER SCINTILLATING SENSATIONAL coaches. Unfortunately, Iím a heartless machine completely devoid of human feeling, so I canít really enjoy it. Canít feel any pleasure at all, BABY! No joy!

Basketball is all I do now — itís taken over my life, BABY. If thereís a game going on, I canít help but watch it. Iíll want to talk about how great both the coaches are, what nice kids the players are, and Iíll want to surf around in all the crowds. I have to SNORT two lines just to come down after games, BABY! I can no longer get an erection!

IíM IMPOTENT, BABY! I just canít wait to watch the tournament! Iíll be at home with the remote control, baby, just searching around for the next great game. Anything to replace the noise of my wife calling me a junkie and my kids trying to take my money! You donít know what itís like to have to face your family when all you want to do is watch every college basketball game. I keep telling them Iím a cyborg who doesnít know what love is, but they just donít listen. Dickie V has no family, BABY!

The coaches have been OUT-standing this season. What a bunch of tremendous role models for our young athletes to look up to. They made college basketball into the sport that we all love. They also have made me into a blathering moron who canít function in the real world. Isnít there a game on somewhere, BABY?

I love to make my appearances. Everywhere I go, people look at me and say, ďOooh, Dickie V. You got it made! Your job is to watch college basketball.Ē If only those people could take on the hysteric visions I see in the deep recesses of my mind, BABY. Then they would know what itís like to feel true pain!

But the tournament is going to be A-mazing, BABY. Three weeks of the best basketball action in the world. I only wish that there were some way to make this world less cold!
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