March 2006 (v8 i5)
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Old woman tells terrible, awkward story over dinner
by Bradley Jackson, Managing Editor

PLANO, TX — Eighty-three-year-old grandmother Florence Winston made her entire family extremely uncomfortable during dinner at her home Sunday evening when she discussed her current medical problems in depth.

“We had just started eating Mammy’s famous pot roast when she started about her most recent visits to the doctor,” said Bill Winston, Florence’s 35-year-old son. “I mean, did she really have to describe her stool sample as ‘plump’ and her liver as ‘splotchy?’”

Bill added: “I wanted to interrupt Mom, but I knew she would just nag me for still being single and unable to give her ‘oodles of grandbabies.’”

Despite several attempts to change the subject by various family members, Florence began describing her visit to the gynecologist earlier that week.

“The only thing I really remember was Grandma comparing her cervix to a pickled strawberry,” said Winston’s teenage grandson, Bobby. “After that, Dad told me to take my little brother and wait in the car.”

Although Winston is regarded as a caring mother and loving wife by her family, her ability to make situations highly uncomfortable is well known.

Florence’s eldest son, James, remarked: “Mom just doesn’t understand that no one wants to hear about her Type-2 diabetes and her puss-filled bunions — especially when we’re eating pot roast.”

Eighty-five-year-old Harold, Florence’s husband of 47 years, agreed with his family’s sentiments.

“Every night before we go to bed, Flo goes on and on about how her varicose veins are spreading to her upper thighs, and I just smile and nod like I’m watching Andy Rooney talk about the hip-hop rap bands,” claimed Harold, finishing his unfiltered Pall Mall. “She’s a darlin’ woman, but dangit all if that ol’ coot don’t drive my billy goat like LBJ in a six-engined autogyro!”

The evening was made even more uncomfortable when Florence attempted to lighten an emotional subject between daughter Linda Epstein, and her husband Steve, regarding their inability to concieve.

“Mom tried to make me laugh by saying ‘Back in my day, getting pregnant was my only job,’” Epstein said. “But instead of laughing I cried for hours, and Steve’s giving me the silent treatment.”

Epstein added: “Now my marriage is as dry as my womb.”

Amidst awkward silence punctuated by Linda’s occasional sobbing, Florence went on to describe her recent mole removal from her left arm pit.

“I’ll tell ya, it bled like a geyser for the first few days, but now the scab looks like Grover Cleveland’s profile.”

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