March 2006 (v8 i5)
Fondling Bats Since 1997
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concerns and praise
from our literate public

WHAT COULD MAKE JENNIFER ANISTON’S LIFE WORSE
I had always believed the Travesty to be a loving, sensitive magazine. Then I read your mockery of Jennifer Aniston contracting Vomit Sweating Disorder (VSD.) First of all, VSD is highly unhumorous. Secondly, I have VSD. Thirdly, you have just lost yourself a reader, because I’ve realized you are stricken with a disease far worse than VSD — Heart Full of Poo-Poo Syndrome.
Jaime Huntington
San Diego, California



SMOKED OUT
You potheads need to clear the smoke and pay heed to the drug that inspires all of your material. By publishing the article “Friend who smoked pot dead, says father,” you are perputuating the negative stigma that surrounds an innocent drug. Seriously, I know that you’re all potheads. No one can come up with your “funny” material without being stoned. Think before you propogate this sort of thing, or maybe you’d rather the dime-bag hidden inside a filing cabinet in your office have an even sharper penalty.
Walter T. Young
Portland, Oregon



STEVE SPINCYCLE
Do you honestly think it’s appropriate to endorse troublesome characters like Mr. Spincycle? Anyone who compares a gruesome day in American history to stealing girls’ panties is an unpatriotic schmuck. To the Travesty: What happened to recognizing real heroes like firemen, policemen, and teachers? If you’re a “fan of the smell,” Mr. Spincycle, perhaps you should stop and smell the freedom those men’s lives paid for you to steal my wife’s sequined, edible undies.
Rick Eisen
Austin



JUST PLAIN MADD
Did you actually accept money from someone who is OK with legalizing drunk driving? Your opinion obviously has taken a turn for the worse. To publish the “Legalize Drunk Driving Now!” ad is a blatant display of impaired judgement. You crossed the line this time. I suggest veering sharply back to good sense, or you just may find yourself thrown out on the street without any readers.
Mary Hentzon
Tulsa, Oklahoma



NO BONES ABOUT IT
Where can I find those dog purses? They are so cute! One more thing: Why did you make fun UGGs? They are totally fine for the winter season.
Lauri Jones
Austin



GUIDE TO GETTING THE MOST OUT OF YOUR DORM
After attempting to turn my dorm room into a “happenin’ night club” — as you suggested — I’ve been transformed from a suave freshman to social cripple. Texas Travesty, I suggest you cease taking cat-naps on your bed of lies and do some freakin’ research. Thanks to you unfunny fibbers, my dorm is now known as Studio Fifty-for-Losers.
Ted Allen
Austin



AROUND CAMPUS
As an escaped convict, I did not appreciate last month’s around campus “People wearing sunglasses on cloudy days are actually wanted felons.” Please remember, pedophiles on-the-run are people, too. Now I fear for my life daily.
John Smith
Anywhere, USA



BLING MY BIKE
I am not quite sure what it was that made me cry so long and hard after reading “Bling My Bike.” All I know is that by the end, I was blubbering so loudly, my wife threatened to leave me.
Whenever I think of Jimmy Libowitz seeing his pimped out bike and exclaiming “This defies my understanding of logic!” I become very, very emotional. Just imagine! A singular bicycle equipped with new chrome KMC spinners, a jet engine, and a 26-inch plasma television! I cannot comprehend the totality of its awesomeness! Dear God!
Michael Buckman
Seattle, Washington


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Ask, but know that abstinence is the answer: letters@texastravesty.com


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