(March 21 – April 19)
The jazz concert you are required to attend will provide you with insights on Miles Davis’ early work, Dizzy Gillespie’s influence on trumpet solos, and the fact that your Friday night is wasted watching pretentious musicians make unhip music.
(April 20 – May 20)
You will soon discover that your perception of yourself as a people person does not mean that you are outgoing and friendly, but a ravenous cannibal.
(May 21 – June 21)
You used to be a real night owl, now you’re a happy morning lark. Soon, you’ll be laid off and become an annoying midafternoon parakeet who just shits all over everything.
(June 22 – July 22)
Trust issues are not a problem for you, so go ahead and leave the keys in the lock.
(July 23 – August 22)
Life is love. Love is life. So love your life while you can, because you are about to get hit by a bus.
(August 23 – September 22)
Everyone tells you to follow your dreams, but it’s not that easy when one minute you’re telling off your your boss and the next you’re having group sex with Batman, John F. Kennedy, and the chair from Pee Wee’s Playhouse.
(September 23 – October 22)
Cooperation isn’t always easy for Libras. Be a team player. Prevent your conception. Build a time machine, go back fifty years, and murder your parents.
(October 23 – November 21)
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted to be, they weren’t referring to a sixth-level orchid magi in Dungeons and Dragons.
(November 22 – December 21)
At work, you will discover the power of Mars is behind your words. However, due to Mars’ fatally high concentration of carbon dioxide, your eyes will explode and stain your superiors’ $3,000 suits, forever ruining your clever PowerPoint presentation.
(December 22 – January 19)
Anything is possible this month! Become an astronaut! A T-shirt vendor! A Junkie! Do it all!
(January 20 – February 18)
Conflicts between what you know and what you think you know will cause you to realize that those middle-school rumors were true: You are a fart-smelling alien from the planet Ugly.
(February 19 – March 20)
This month your individuality will shine — but only when highly inappropriate. Be prepared to lose your job, your wife, and the respect of your elders.