March 2006 (v8 i5)
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Freshman-senior relationship rocks Kinsolving
CAMPUS — Freshman Katy Handel shocked fellow residents of Kinsolving’s fourth floor Tuesday when she announced that she was dating senior Matt Lowery. “I cannot believe Katy is dating a senior,” said roommate Becca Howard. “I guess being a sophomore by hours really does make her more mature.” Handel made her announcement after calling all the girls on her floor into her room to watch the OC last Thursday night. “I tried to play it off like it wasn’t a big deal,” explained Handel. “I mean, I’ve always dated older guys — in high school I was the only girl in my grade to go to the senior prom all four years.” Not everyone shared in Handel’s enthusiasm, however. “You know, I could say I’m dating a senior, too,” sniffed Laura Templer. “I just don’t tell anyone he’s in high school.”

Student avoids eye contact with blind professor
CAMPUS — Fourth-year junior Scott Waller was accused by classmates of insensitivity toward the visually impaired after he failed to acknowledge his English professor Mort Rosenbaum as they passed each other on the Main Mall. “We were walking to class when we saw Dr. Rosenbaum,” said Monica Snowe. “We all said ‘hi’ except for Scott — he just looked down at his feet and didn’t say a word.” Although Dr. Rosenbaum was unaware of Scott’s presence, his classmates did not let the matter go unnoticed. Snowe chided, “Just because Professor Rosenbaum can’t see Scott, it doesn’t mean he can pretend he’s not there.” Defending himself, Waller stated, “I see him enough in class, so I’m sure he doesn’t want to see me after class either.” Snowe countered: “That’s just the sort of thing a blindist would say.”

Boehner rises, will meet Bush
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Representative John Boehner of Ohio, who was elected House Majority Leader last month in a close 122-109 vote, will meet with President Bush this week to discuss GOP strategy for the upcoming year. Political analyst and former Crossfire host Tucker Carlson called the Boehner election “enormous,” explaining that Boehner will “really have to rise to the occasion to fill the publicity gap created by DeLay’s ouster.” Boehner addressed concerns over his ability to aptly manage his newfound responsibilities at a press conference Friday. “The Boehner policy will be one of sustained growth; as new blood rushes through the head of the Boehner advisory staff, we will penetrate the restraints imposed on us by left-wing sycophants.” Boehner’s ascent to majority leader prompted him to assume a larger advisory staff. Among his new appointments is longtime friend and famed political consultant Tim Ballz.

Wedding vows delay access to open bar
DOWNTOWN — Guests at the union of Dan Medina and Keegan Hill last Saturday complained that the ceremony was “a sappy waste of precious boozin’ time.” Though the couple wrote their own vows, maid of honor Valerie Trevelson declared that she’d rather “slide naked down a mountain of dirty syringes” than hear Medina claim Hill’s love “took him higher than any drug ever could.” Trevelson added, “All that rambling about drugs got me jonesin’ for some liquor.” Father of the bride Damien Hill recalled: “They just kept going on and on, like it was their special day or something. You can’t entice a man by telling him there will be an open bar and then make him sit through an hour of that crap — it’s inhumane.” Although guests could not get to the open bar as quickly as they had anticipated, the hotel’s valet staff noted that four out of five attendants left the reception smiling, laughing, and too drunk to drive.

Free candy in class a point of contention
CAMPUS — While working on a history project Thursday, students Kyle Gennerton and Tim Simon engaged in a heated dispute about whether to bring candy to their class presentation. “We’re going to be giving a boring PowerPoint presentation about the Civil War,” explained Gennerton. “Everyone’s totally going to fall asleep unless we pass out some Snickers before we start.” Simon, however, feels that bringing “random candy” to his classmates only cheapens the impact of a presentation. “For God’s sake, what do mini M&Ms have to do with the Battle of Bull Run? It’s just a pathetic ploy to get some applause and a good peer evaluation,” grumbled Simon. The students’ professor, Dr. Harold Martinboke, commented that bringing candy to class would not affect anyone’s grade, although “a mid-morning sugar rush would really hit the spot.”

Ancient artifact found beneath teenager’s bed
HOUSTON — Thirteen-year-old Matt Cantos discovered a small, rectangular object with brown string hanging out of its plastic casing beneath his brother’s bed Monday after school. “Man, I knew Philip kept some crazy stuff under here, but I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Matt. Puzzled by the strange artifact, which had the words “Rad Mix ’96” scrawled across it in permanent marker, Matt confronted his brother Philip about the find. “I hadn’t seen that mix tape in 10 years,” said Philip. “That tape had everything: ‘C’mon Ride the Train,’ ‘No Diggity,’ and even ‘I Believe I Can Fly.’ Man, those songs totally got me to second base with Marissa Walters.” Unfamiliar with the bands on the mix tape, Matt commented, “Oh, so that’s what that thing at the bottom of my stereo is for.”
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