March 2006 (v8 i5)
Fondling Bats Since 1997
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40 acres 411
Construction site? More like seduction site! Sophomore Missy Havermeyer and junior Kyle Berkowitz were spotted crawling out of the restricted Blanton Museum site, their hair amess and their backs studded with the rubble of passion! We guess the hats aren’t the only hard things over there!

Speaking of hard times . . . Eric Stewart-Kingsley has finally decided to resign from his position as treasurer of Democratic Students for Democracy. Cindy Karp, his opponent and DSD’s former media director, discovered two weeks ago that Eric had been stuffing the ballot box.

Ballot boxes weren’t the only things stuffed, as Cindy was reportedly seen directly after the election eating three junior bacon cheeseburgers at the Wendy’s in the Union with best friend Sarah Eichaufenstein. Sarah, meanwhile, stuck to a plain baked potato and a side salad with no dressing as she digested an ultimatum from boyfriend Stan Friedmanton: Lose five pounds or else! Looks like Sarah should take a cue from PTS and give Stan the boot — just like they did after his third ticket for parking in a handicapped spot without a permit.

Too hot to handle! The recent fire alarm at Jester East was no accident. Blake Hassleton pulled the alarm in a fit of anger after seeing his girlfriend Sarah Wrigley cozying up to her old flame Johnny Hinderfitz. And let us just say that Hassleton’s rage wasn’t the only thing that was white hot and all over the place!

The irony! That same evening, Wrigley’s BFF, Jennifer Flores-Highsmith, burned a bag of popcorn beyond recognition at the I Eta Pi sorority house. The funky smell that quickly permeated throughout the entire place was allegedly worse than the stench of six hungover I Phelta Thi brothers on your kitchen floor first thing in the morning!

And that burned bag of Orville Redenbacher’s wasn’t the only thing that got popped last night! Rumor has it that sophomore Katy Heslerr finally agreed to let her boyfriend of 10 months, Kyle Fisherwills stick his corn cob in her. Wonder how much buttering up he had to do first?

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