November 2005 (v8 i3)
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Vince Young is the MAN. The man I want to marry.
by Robert Cooper, UT Football Fan

Did you see the Rose Bowl last year? I want to have Vince Young's children. No, seriously, I'm just kidding. But is he not the most amazing player you've ever seen?

Not only was he the MVP of the Rose Bowl, he set five of the 10 longest runs by a quarterback in UT history. His athletic prowess makes me want to freakin' take him out for a romantic steak dinner at the Driskill. Haha, sweet: We'd spend all night discussing his record-breaking offensive stats and future NFL ambitions. Who says soulmates don't exist?

After Vince wins the Heisman — which, c'mon, he's a total shoo-in — I think I'd seriously think about congratulating him by standing below his Jester window with a boombox playing "The Eyes of Texas." Then I might even take him downtown to enjoy a performance of Swan Lake at the Paramount Theatre. Anything for a guy who can run a 4.3 second 40-yard-dash.

Did you know that Vince Young was the first man ever to rush for more than 250 yards and pass for more than 230 in the same game? If he keeps up these kinds of performances, he just might also be the first man that I surprise with a trail of rose and hibiscus petals leading to a bed of satin and gossamer, in a candlelit room while "Eye of the Tiger" plays softly over my Bose speakers.

With his dynamic performance during this year's Red River Shootout, Vince proved that he thrives under pressure. That means there won't be any sweaty palms or awkward silences as he wows my parents with his laid-back demeanor and subtle wit and charm. Who knows — if football doesn't work out, my dad will probably be happy to find Vince a job at his accounting firm.

You know, hopefully Vince will get drafted by an AFC West team like the Denver Broncos. I'd love to live in a cute mountainside condo where I could wake him up every morning with a whey protein shake and a jockstrap fresh out of the dryer. And I cannot wait to accompany him to the ESPYs in a strapless Roberto Cavalli number!

Man, if I weren't totally straight, I would so do Vince Young. When he passed for the final touchdown in the Ohio State game, I wanted to rush the field, rip off my orange "O who?" shirt, pin all 250 pounds of that touchdown machine to the ground and passionately dry-hump him while whispering sweet nothings in his ear as the entire stadium cheered us on. Man, I love football.

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