• Those with November birthdays were conceived on Valentine's Day.

• The guy standing next to an empty seat on a crowded shuttle refuses to be the center of a man sandwich.

• You are getting newsprint on your hands — unless you are reading this online, in which case you are a nerd.

• Late-night construction on freeways makes it difficult to drive home drunk.

• Trucker hats are back in style. Just kidding! You look like an idiot.

• Forty Acres bus drivers will leave the bus at random stops to enter the nearest building and return with a chocolate bar and a new haircut.

• Students who bully professors into giving them undeserved A's will make so much money when they graduate that it will fill up the empty void where their souls should be.

• The spontaneous combustion of a medschool applicant does not bode well for his future ability to handle stress.

• Nobody is quite sure what to do when a blind person walks right toward them.

• E-mailing your classmates for notes is still not cool.

• Smokers will continue to ask each other for lights, making you wish you had a similar ice-breaker to use with non-smokers.

• Those two drunks giggling on the elevator in Jester East are totally about to do it.

• Hobos will never realize the irony that they're asking for the wrong kind of change.

• Drunk girls will walk down Guadalupe at 45-degree angles, showing their love for both geometry and Natty Light.

• Freshmen are not prepared for how boring home will be over winter break — even when compared to living in the dorms without a car.

• If justice still exists, those who continue to refer to themselves as "kind of a big deal" will soon find themselves with "kind of a big foot" up their asses.

• Nobody is thankful for 90-degree weather in the middle of November.

• Sugary, sticky beverages sold at the PCL coffee shop will be allowed near library books and computers, while sugary, sticky beverages from other vendors will continue to be strictly forbidden by library security.

• A close-minded evangelist is being debated by an open-minded, loving, accepting, attention-monger on the West Mall.

• William Powers Jr., Esq., will eye you suspiciously through a polished, golden monocle.