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Fat NRA member refuses to ban Twinkies from pantry Unlimited fatty-food purchase more important than having to iron pants on driveway by Janice Chan, Associate Editor
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 | Like Confederate bullets, Twinkies never go
bad. |
BOERNE, TX — Despite weighing a morbidly obese 347 pounds, NRA member Roy Patterson has refused to ban himself from buying high-fat foods like Twinkies, because he claims such a restriction would violate his constitutional rights.
Although the right to purchase and eat fattening foods is not directly supported by a constitutional amendment, Patterson, who is so overweight that the last time he saw 90210 was on a bathroom scale, believes an implied right exists.
"Even though the Bill of Rights doesn't specifically say that everyone should be allowed to buy fatty foods, the ninth amendment says just because a right isn't listed doesn't mean it doesn't exist," Patterson explained as he lifted one of his stomach rolls so his cat could crawl off the sofa without suffocating.
Patterson opposes restricting his fatty-food purchase in the same way the NRA argues against any measure of gun-buying limitations: By holding that it is more important to keep a 300-year-old amendment untouched than to prevent a leading cause of death.
"Every bit of the original U.S. Constitution — the importance of a well-regulated militia, the measure of a large-claims lawsuit being $20, the three-fifths rule — is sacred and applicable to modern life," Patterson said while greasing his sides so he could fit through the doorway of his living room.
"It would be an insult to the founding fathers for me to deny myself the right to eat all the Twinkies, pork rinds and super-cheesy-jumbo-deep-fried-cream-filled meat cakes with chocolate topping I want, even if it makes me so large that when I haul ass, I have to make two trips."
Physician Dan Coleman, who is concerned about the health implications of Patterson being so big that people jog around him to exercise, tried to suggest that his patient limit himself to 50 Twinkies a month. But Patterson maintained that any degree of restriction on his food-buying habits was unacceptable.
"Honestly speaking, I don't even like Twinkies that much. I could probably even live without them — I usually just scarf 'em on the weekends for fun. But we're talking about principle here."
Patterson's fellow NRA members have come out in full support of his initiative.
"We fully support Roy's refusal to limit his Twinkie purchase," local NRA Chapter President Carl McKinney said. "It's really admirable that he won't compromise his views, even if he's gotten so fat that the only thing he can fit into at the big and tall store is the dressing room."
As expected, the NRA has its detractors. Lane Hamill, president of Democrats Against Anything Conservatives Do, questions the NRA's motives.
"Every time a poor minority dies in a shooting, a gun is involved. Coincidence? I think not."
Nonetheless, Patterson's unwillingness to deny himself access to things that will kill him has been a source of inspiration to others. Jon Buford, a rodeo stuntman and recreational antifreeze drinker, talked about his admiration for Patterson.
"Roy's a legend to those of us who would rather die needlessly than concede a point. It's only fitting that he has his own page in the dictionary: If you look up the word 'morbidly obese,' his picture is there; it's a picture of him stuck in the Grand Canyon after he fell in, and the caption says 'continued on pages 5 through 438.'"
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