November 2005 (v8 i3)
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Dear Mr. Popular:
Every time I try to talk to girls, they either laugh or mace me. How do I get a girl to like me? I'm helpless.
James from Jester West

Dear James: A female is not unlike a wildebeest: Difficult to tame and capable of drawing blood, yet docile under my tender touch. So let Mr. Popular guide you through the seven easy steps to wooing and wowing your lady of choice.

Step 1   Be forward. There's nothing women love more than a man who knows what he wants. So the next time you spot that special someone, suck in your beer gut, grab a hold of your testicles and make a bold move. For example: "I was wondering if you would perhaps like to engage in courtship with the ultimate intention being marriage." She won't be able to resist.

Step 2   Lift weights. It's hard for even me to resist a broseph with a bangin' bod. So make sure you hit the gym like it's your minimum wage job. Helpful Hint: When working out, there's no need to focus on your legs or thighs. Just make sure you do plenty of bench press and bicep curls. I've always said the more disproportionate your body is, the better!

Step 3   Maintain eye contact. Once you've engaged your lucky lady in conversation, make sure you never break eye contact. If she coyly looks away, make sure you follow her gaze so she can always see the whites of your eyes. It's also good to never blink when talking to a woman. It may sting, but they love that sense of male bravado.

Step 4   Show your sensitive side. Sure, the ladies love a man who can provide and protect, but they also love a man who is sensitive and vulnerable. Try showing your softer side the next time you're out on the town. For example: "So I woke up crying this morning and wished my father had given me one hug that didn't leave me smelling like gasoline and vodka." She'll melt like a moist lollipop!

Step 5   Avoid awkward silences. Awkward silences are the death toll of any budding relationship, so always come prepared with a list of questions or comments you can whip out lest you feel an approaching lull in the conversation. Here are a few of my favorites: "Can you believe Pete Sampras retired?" "Ever made out with a sibling?" "Dinosaurs!" "Do you always eat so much?"

Step 6   Don't express interest in her friends. Hitting on more than one woman in the same social circle is a real deal-breaker. Therefore, make sure she knows how much you hate her friends. Say something like: "Those girls you hang out with are the biggest bunch of pirate hookers to ever walk this side of the Mississippi. They look like a peeled-back mayonnaise sandwich." Believe me, her self-esteem will soar higher than Willie Nelson on a tour bus.

Step 7   Know when to walk away. Never walk away. When women pretend to be uninterested, they're just testing you to see how badly you want them. Women are crafty creatures who have one mission in life: Find a man. So make sure you don't fall for the following tricks: "I'm gonna go talk to my friend over there," "Sorry, but you're just not my type," "You remind me of my kid brother," or "Help! Help!!!"

There you have it: The seven easy steps to wooing that special someone. You definitely won't be as smooth as I am, but with practice, at least you'll be able to talk to women without having to shield your eyes from pepper spray.

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