(March 21 – April 19)
Venus is in the seventh moon of Saturn this weekend, and they probably won't invite you to come along.
(April 20 – May 20)
This month you will find someone who appreciates you for who you are and not how rich you are. Next month, though, it's more of the same.
(May 21 – June 21)
Annoying people in your class will one day be the annoying people at your job. Some things never change.
(June 22 – July 22)
They say hay is for horses, but haystacks with needles in them shouldn't be fed to animals of any kind.
(July 23 – August 22)
Expect a casual acquaintance to become a bigger part of your life, but more than likely it will be the one you just started stalking.
(August 23 – September 22)
You will have some explaining to do after you wet yourself on MTV's Next.
(September 23 – October 22)
This week, you'll finally find that guy who calls you back when you hang up on him, but since he's your parole officer, it might be a bad idea to keep insisting you were right.
(October 23 – November 21)
You promised yourself you'd never ask for Rick Perry's autograph, but this will be of little comfort when he refuses to sign your pardon this month.
(November 22 – December 21)
Hard work will finally pay off when your significant other agrees to go down on you during a screening of Citizen Kane in Burdine.
(December 22 – January 19)
Unfortunately, Tom Petty's opinion doesn't carry much weight in the 17th-century Puritan society you live in, which wants to stone you to death for spending money you don't have and drinking till sunrise.
(January 20 – February 18)
Your writing seminar classmates have always complimented you on having a great flow, but they were actually referring to your period.
(February 19 – March 20)
The only means to true happiness is attaching clothespins to your nipples.