November 2005 (v8 i3)
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Think you're a hipster? If you answered yes to that question, then you're probably not. Whatever, polish your Buddy Holly glasses, brighten that random streak of color in your hair and stop bitching to your LiveJournal for five minutes so you can check out this meter to see if you pass the scenester test. Vegans are welcome, hand-rolled cigarettes are preferred, and a knowledge of obscure and otherwise shitty bands is essential.
11. I don't know if you're a guy or a girl, which rocks. I saw you backstage talking to the drummer of As I Die, You Poke Me and awed at your pirate shirt and matching lip ring. You're just confusing and aloof enough to be a hipster, and if you learn how to despise all of humanity, I'm sure you'll qualify for a job at Spiderhouse soon enough.

10. Props for going to the Post-Modernist art show that Jesse put on in her basement. It was fun getting throwed with the members of Deceased and Assist. Next time, don't admit in public that you buy CDs. You don't even know what music is unless you listen to vinyl.

9. I was going to ask if you wanted to get coffee until I saw that you were wearing a housedress from the 70s over your jeans. Close, you're only off by two decades. 70s throwbacks were sooo 90s - only go 80s retro if you think VH1 is the cutting edge of culture. Oh, and references to the 60s have been hackneyed since Woodstock II. If you ever want to be accepted, it's 50s or nothing.

8. I saw you wrecking shop at the Crying Santas show with the 40 you snuck in your messenger bag, right after Right Mug Macabre finished their set. But the friend from high school? They made the air a little too trite to be around. It's not just who you are, but who you know - and who you don't talk to.

7. You like comics? I like comics! Which is great, except I could care less about the bullshit series you read as per Cohen's recommendations on The OC. The mere fact that you saw Ghost World before you read it disgusts me almost as much as your lame excuse for spending comic money on rent.

6. Did you just refer to yourself as indie? In that case, I just referred to you as repulsive.

5. You're on MySpace, which is totally deck, but the last time you updated your profile, Straight Purple Disaster was still a popular band. If you don't post the pic of the Manatee tattoo on your back or one of yourself holding the camera, I won't bother remembering your name.

4. Do you even know the difference between despair and desperation? Obviously not, because your sad persona and tortured appearance tell me you're still emo. Say hi to the year 2000 in between your Dashboard Confessional tracks for me.

3. Did you buy that Awful Waffle button at Hot Topic when you were en route to American Eagle? You might've fooled the idioteque masses, but I can see right through suburbanite rebellion, poser.

2. Nice try on the sweep haircut, but I can still see at least half your face. That's not as bad as the fact that you are smiling, or that you guffawed when someone asked you if you liked The Jason Experiment. Here's a tip: Spin knows as much about good music as Kirkland's does about home decor.

1. Your butterfly tattoo was awesome, particularly back in the fifth grade when it washed off. Way to perpetuate your fondness for all things tired and trite. Try knowing someone worthwhile enough who'll design something for you that less than half the population has on their hipbones and lower backs.

0. I don't get it. Are you going to an alternative-themed party at a frat, or are you just trying way too hard to be a hipster? I dig your high-top Chucks, but I could barely see them under those baggy jeans. If I can't discern the exact contours of your legs, then your pants aren't tight enough. Good luck next time.
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