November 2005 (v8 i3)
Setting Inflated Retail Prices Since 1997
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Everyone thinks psychologist messing with their minds
DURHAM, NC — Friends and acquaintances of psychologist Calvin Rowder, who perceive psychology as an all-powerful tool able to unlock one's secret desires, are worried that Rowder may be using his expertise to read their minds. "I've known Calvin for years, and while he doesn't seem like he would intentionally invade people's privacy, he is a psychologist," said Mark Samson, Rowder's friend. "He might be able to find things out without meaning to, which makes me think, 'Oh no, what if he observes my carefully sublimated S&M fetish every time I point out a leather bustier in a shop window?'" When informed about people's wariness of his abilities to manipulate the human mind, Rowder claimed that his friends simply have overactive imaginations. "I don't know where these nutty theories are coming from. I'm just going about doing normal things like everyone el— Ah! So you really are attracted to your mother!"

Compliment-fishing leads to worst compliment ever
PLANO, Tex. — Guest Peggy Gleibman brought awkward silence to Susan England's dinner party Saturday evening following a well-intentioned compliment on the dessert, an orange custard tart. "Susan was parading that damn thing around like she just split the atom or something," explained Gleibman. "It was so obvious she wanted us to say something about it. All I could think was how nice it was to have a break from her banana cream pie." Tim Nelson, England's neighbor, elaborated: "Susan was showing off that sludgy dessert thing when Peggy said, 'Hey, orange you glad it's not banana pie?'" Nelson added: "It was pretty awkward, but not as bad as the time that Peggy brought up Susan's dead husband."

Chef excited about new Dutch oven
NEW YORK — Jooren Baargs, head chef at Jaan's Deliiight and creator of the world-famous Vondelstijl Blintz, commented to his kitchen staff that he was looking forward to the arrival of a new oven from Amsterdam. "Only an authentic Dutch oven can deliver that ripe, baking-buns smell," declared Baargs. He then closed his eyes and inhaled deeply before adding: "It never really goes away."

Veteran doesn't understand why holiday merits furniture sale
SPRINGFIELD, Oh — Operation Iraqi Freedom veteran Danny Mueller failed to understand why Veterans' Day warranted 10 percent markdowns on oak bedroom sets from several area furniture stores. "I was flipping through the TV, trying to avoid reports about Iraq casualties that could be my friends, when I saw a commercial for the Veterans' Blowout Sale at Carver's Furniture Depot," explained Mueller, who served tours of duty in Fallujah and Basra. "We didn't go over there to liberate furniture. And I didn't watch my buddies die face-down in the sand to get zero percent financing for 12 months." Mueller took a moment to remember the horrors of war, then added: "Do you think that includes loveseats?"

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