November 2005 (v8 i3)
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Clueless dad tells horrific bedtime story
Plastic sheets no match for six-year-old's bursting bladder
by Stephen Short, Staff Writer

The actual monster has nipple
piercings.
ITHACA, NY — Tom Ackerman, father of kindergartener Katie Ackerman, was faced with the challenge of putting his daughter to bed Tuesday night while his wife, Jennifer, attended a PTA meeting.

"I want to hear the story about princesses and fairies and unicorns that Mommy always tells," eagerly instructed Katie to her father.

Unfamiliar with the story his daughter requested, Mr. Ackerman improvised, "I know a better story: The story of Princess Katie and Timmy the Turtle."

"Once upon a time Princess Katie loved to play in the forest," began Mr. Ackerman while a comforted Katie slowly closed her eyes.

Mr. Ackerman continued: "One day Princess Katie was playing with her friend Timmy the Turtle by Skeleton Pond. They played three rounds of 'Don't-Take-Candy-From-Strangers-Or-You'll-Die' and danced with the water fairies. But when the Princess leaned over the water to pick up a tadpole, BOOM! A horrible green goblin that reeked of rotting flesh and had five eyes, two tongues and razor sharp teeth, dripping with the blood of small children, popped out of the water!"

A petrified Katie shrieked in terror as she shot out of bed, frantically turning on every light in her room.

Pausing his story momentarily to retuck his trembling daughter in bed, Mr. Ackerman continued the story.

"When the Princess tried to run away, the goblin's colossal, veiny arms shattered her kneecaps into a thousand pieces. Timmy the Turtle tried to help her, but the goblin had already severed his head. Then using Timmy's own shell, the goblin smashed the princess' nose, dislocating her jaw so severely that it hung from her face like a rusty hinge," described Mr. Ackerman, miming the swaying jaw with both hands.

Dry heaving and breaking out in a cold sweat, Katie dove beneath the covers, gradually comforted by the warmth of her own urine.

Mr. Ackerman went on: "Princess Katie tried to escape by dragging her mutilated body across the ground, leaving jagged shards of her fingernails in the rocky soil below. But the goblin was too fast. He disemboweled her with his scissor hands, leaving a red pool of entrails next to Skeleton Pond."

"The goblin dragged her bloody corpse back to his evil lair, scattered with the remains of other princesses who hadn't done their chores. Then he washed his hands before dinner and devoured the Princess piece by piece," affectionately concluded Mr. Ackerman, kissing his daughter's trembling forehead.

Chuckling to himself as he unplugged Katie's nightlight, Mr. Ackerman added, "Goodnight honey! Next time when Mommy's gone we can watch The Exorcist together."

Katie, however, was too traumatized to sleep.

Crouched in the fetal position while rocking back-and-forth, she chanted, "Piece by piece. Piece by piece. Piece by piece."
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