September 2004 (v7 i1)
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Trauma-Rama
COLLEGE EDITION

'Sup, College! It's the time of your life: filled with pimpin' parties, campus cuties and mortifying mishaps! Life happens, and only we can tell you how to deal. Read these tales of totally total humiliation, and be glad you're still in junior high!

Rating Scale
  1 melted lipstick: Yikes, that stinks
  2 broken nails: Glad I'm not you
  3 dropped tampons: Move to a different state
  4 pair period-stained shorts: Join the Witness Protection Program

Knockout
I was walking down 21st Street when I saw this guy I'd been totally crushing on. I turned to say hi, but then I forgot I was in the middle of an intersection and got hit by a bike! OMG, embarrassing! I tried to play it off, so I got up and was like, "Hey, Grant!" but then I fell down again because my leg was broken and the bone was sticking out the side. Ew! Not only that, but I was wearing a skirt, and so while I was on the ground waiting for the ambulance, EVERYBODY could see the nasty gray granny panties I was wearing that day. I was so upset I tried to kill myself with the defibrillator paddles!

Ouch! That hurts...literally! Let this be a lesson to ladies everywhere: Granny panties always ruin everything!

Rating: 3 dropped tampons

Blinded by Love
I was wondering why this mystery dreamboat in sunglasses on the 40 Acres wasn't paying any attention to me, even though I was wearing TONS of extra lip-gloss. So I finally decided to go up to him and say hi, but then his dog attacked me! I tried to calm it down by feeding it my Hershey's bar. Instead, my hottie started screaming, "I smell chocolate! Which of you stupid pricks is trying to feed my dog chocolate?" I found out later that dogs are allergic to chocolate. How was I supposed to know? Anyway, I was so embarrassed! And then when we got off the bus, he kept hitting my ankles with his stupid white stick. What a buttjerk. Oh, and I got my period!

As difficult as it may be to believe, this guy seems blind to your charms. If this stud can't sense what a cutie you are, then it's time to move on.

Rating: 1 melted lipstick


Vegan Tales
So there's this super-cute cutie in my intro to philosophy class I'd been totally falling for. We talked a lot about contemporary moral issues and stuff — well, he talked and I drooled, LOL. I mean, how often can you find pretty AND witty, right? Well, one day, I decided to bring him cookies I had baked, hoping I could win over Mr. Hot Smartie. I was really excited when he took one, but then he paused and asked, "Wait, there isn't egg in this, is there?" I was like, "Of course there is, silly!" and then he dropped the cookie and started vomiting into his Wheatsville Co-op bag. He lectured me about factory farm conditions and called me a "chicken murderer" before storming off to sit with a girl who had braided armpit hair. I kept the bag and used it to mop up the huge puddle of my period that was on the ground!

Find some other hottie who won't toss his cookies at the thought of your eggs. And throw away the bag of vomit. Or better yet, recycle it.

Rating: 4 pair period-stained shorts

Love Bandit
I was buying books at the Co-op when I saw my SUPER hot hallmate browsing the pen aisle. I started thinking real hard about how to go up and talk to him that I guess I started grabbing things off the shelves and putting them in my backpack. When he saw me looking at him, I got so excited that I ran out of the store. The alarm went off and the security guard found all this stuff in my bag—including my giant box of tampons! The worst part is the guard spilled the tampons all over the floor and my crush took them and stuck them in his nose and made faces! Now when I see him in the hall, he slaps me and takes my purse. It's so embarrassing!

Just because this hottie stole your heart doesn't give you license to steal everything else! Keep your eyes on the prize and your hands in your pockets!

Rating: 2 broken nails
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