September 2004 (v7 i1)
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I want my identity back
by John Doe, Anonymously Ironic

I know what you're thinking, and yes, my real name is John Doe. I just want to take this opportunity to tell everyone to stop using my name as an example for everything.

I can't escape it. I was at the post office and they used my name on a huge sign for how to properly complete an envelope. What was worse was that they even used my real address. Why couldn't they have chosen something besides 123 Main Street? I keep getting letters from people who were confused and didn't realize that the sign was only a model.

Once, Girl Scouts came to my door and asked if I wanted to buy cookies. I took a glance at the form, and for a second, I thought I had already ordered cookies from them. Sure enough, my name was typed in at the top, and I had requested three boxes of Thin Mints. They even had my phone number down correctly. How the hell did they know it was 555-1234?

It's a terrible life. I was pulled over for speeding in a school zone the other day. When the officer looked at my driver's license, he arrested me for carrying a fake ID. I sat at the police station for seven hours because they kept asking me my name. I kept telling them it was John Doe, and no one would believe me.

I talked it over with my wife, Jane. We're thinking about moving away from Anytown, USA. I've had nothing but bad luck here. A charity called my house to ask for pledges. I was more than happy to offer a large donation, but when I started giving her my name and address, she cursed me out and hung up on me. She thought I was just being cruel and giving her false information.

Then FOX went and made a TV show named after me, except it wasn't about me at all. It was about some guy with amnesia who knows lots of unusual facts and uses them to solve crimes. When Fox decided to cancel it, crazed fans of the show hosted a vigil outside my house because they wanted me to spearhead the efforts to bring the show back. "Who better than someone whose name actually is John Doe?" they reasoned. I have never even watched that show!

My mom was on drugs when she named me. Not illegal drugs: an epidural. I can just see my parents laughing it up in the nursery. "Why don't we name him John? Then his name would be John Doe." They could have at least given me a middle name. Something exotic like Ignacio or Dominic or Octavius. Then I could go by my middle name. I would much rather be named after the villain in Spiderman than have no identity at all. Please, just stop using John Doe and give me my identity back. I'm sick and tired of representing the common man.
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