September 2004 (v7 i1)
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Beer bong for m' lady?
by Sir Edward Darcy, Hot Tub Gentleman

Xcuse me, bathing beauty, but may I offer you a beer bong rip? I've searched the local drinkeries, and procured the finest ale my purse would allow. Please, allow me to prepare the Lonestar while you proceed to sit on my lap.

Fear not! Your innocence and virtue shall be eternally preserved. Oh, nymphet of the apartment complex hot tub, you shan't worry. You will forever remain a fragrant angel in this lover's eyes. For every time I imagine scaling the glorious mountains contained in thine bathing suit top, I am blessed with thoughts of heaven.

Oh! That I could be the hose gracing those sweet beer-guzzling lips! That I could be the one drowning your throat with foamy white pleasure! That I could be the one being uncomfortably swallowed as you try to keepeth up with the flow! Oh, Jealousy! You be neither friend nor stranger to me during love. But beware, heartless jealousy. For soon you shall be cast out alongside my coy mistress's inhibitions.

Ready for another beverage, my eternal love? Let us unite our intoxicated souls unite. Side by side, lover by lover, we'll embark on the journey to inebriation. Whilst I shotgun this fine can of ale, you shall inhale another two or three out of this beer-bonging device.

My lady, do not go! This heart of mine has been forever engraven with your face. True, it is also engraven with thoughts of we two lovers adding an extra layer of film to this opaque water. Alas! Please stay! These sweet remembrances will not be enough to keep loneliness from haunting my fine cotton sheets. Fair maiden, I implore you for help. Alleviate me of this frustration! Else my night ends with lamentation and self-abuse.

Oh, beer bong! She has left us! Her exit reduces our titillating trio a dispassionate duo, once more. But — I shall cheer up. Because though fortune hath not smiled her red-nosed affection upon me, it hath brought you into my company. You remain my love at first rip, my truest love.
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