September 2004 (v7 i1)
Confusing the Issues Since 1997
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concerns and praise
from our literate public

Pain the bass
Hey, that bass I can feel through the wall we share is effin sweet. It was pretty badass when you played "Toxic" all last weekend. Really, it was stellar. Oh yeah, the caked vomit you left down the hall Saturday night is an especially nice touch. You want to come over sometime and chill? Just kidding asshole, I hate you.
          The apartment next door
          Hates your guts

Lost in translation
Can you put Nads on your face? Is it true that Nads are made of all-natural ingredients, like teabags are? Is it safe to have Nads this close to my genitals? Do I have to rub Nads between my palms to warm them up before use? My child accidentally swallowed my Nads. What should I do?
          Australian bikini wax
          From down under

Rather gullible
Whoa! Did you know I may have won $10 million? It says so right on the envelope — that's all the proof I need.
          Dan Rather
          Jumping to conclusions

Dirty talk
Why don't you ever take me out? I don't stink, do I? I know I can be hard to handle — that's why I love it when you tie me up. I'm dripping with anticipation!
          Your trash
          Ready to go

Bragging and loving it
Hey. How's Texas? I heard it was 110 today with the heat index. I bet that sucked. At Christmas, if I don't spend all my money on alcohol (which I will) (because I can), I'll buy you a keychain in Paris.
          Your friend
          Studying abroad

Hairy situation
Sick. Your pubes are all over my face.
          Your bar of soap
          Rubbed the wrong way

4 U
I C U R A K 9.
I M A K 9 2.
R U O K?
U 8 A B?
G, Y
          J Z
          Letters for the editor

All cracked up
Stop pulling your shirt down over your jeans. I'll see your ass crack no matter what — it's a universal constant.
          The guy sitting behind you in class
          Sick of watching you fidget
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