September 2004 (v7 i1)
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Your Monthly Horoscope
Officially endorsed by the American Association of False Prognostication.

(Septiembre uno — Octiobre six-o)
Your foreknowledge of your own death will in fact be the cause of it, blowing the minds of a dipshit audience of moviegoers watching from the ninth dimension.

(December 7, 1941 mdash; August 15, 1945)
A housefly watching you masturbate has no primer to understand what's going on, but it still gets the unshakable feeling that what's going on is somehow very pathetic.

(Summer &mdash Autumn 4th)
You'll immediately lose all credibility your first day at the firehouse when you put your hands on your hips and remark that whirling down the fire pole really sends you "into a tizzy."

Cubic Meconium
(Montag — Donnerstag)
To the delight of your camping buddies, you will inherit the majestic voice of Bessie Smith after you eat berries from a magical bush. That delight will melt into horror when they learn that you have also inherited her insatiable vagina.

Corona Light
A serial killer will take a pass on killing you, deciding that the best way to reach the rapturous high that accompanies acts of unspeakable immorality would be to let you live.

(8==D~ //\\(O)//\\)
Once your lockjaw finally eases up, you'll realize that you have daisy-wilting halitosis. It's almost as if some mediocre writer who just discovered situational irony wrote you into existence.

(Cretaceous — Jurassic)
Two cherubim will become your ever-present companions, holding a silk banner that veils your private parts. There are other ways to rebel from your parents, you know.

(Henry I &mdash Qin Dynasty)
You'd been warned that drug abuse can set you on a downward spiral, but what they never tell you is that it's like a roller coaster ride of funcolorsexhappiness all the way down.

(.-~xX-jAnuArY-Xx~-. ? ^_^feBrUaRy^_^)
Your thirst for power is only surpassed by your fashion sense, which is why it's a shame you'll end up hanged in a public square with a T-shirt reading: "I attempted a coup and all I got was this shirt and my balls in my mouth!"

(Oktoberfest — Festivus)
That full body wax was supposed to help you perform better at work and possibly get laid, but afterward you'll remain the loneliest human cannonball in the world.

Smegma Minor
(Exodus 12 — Deuteronomy 5)
Go easy on your grandmother when you scold her for shopping at that thrift store in Fredericksburg. How was she to know that the medallion on her new necklace is an Iron Cross of the Luftwaffe?

Larger-than-average Dipper
(Prohibition Era)
A fool and his money are soon parted, so technically you didn't 'rob' that nine-year-old so much as outsmart him... at gunpoint.
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