September 2004 (v7 i1)
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september dirtybriefs

Good Samaritans correct atrocious lack of paint on MLK statue
CAMPUS — Two Good Samaritans corrected the appalling lack of spray paint that has marred the bronze statue of Martin Luther King, Jr. on the East Mall since its unveiling, said campus authorities. In a secret act of generosity on August 15, the noble altruists were caught by security cameras rectifying the unsightly lack of paint stains. "For seven years, that statue has represented this institution's long-standing commitment to inclusiveness," said UT President Larry Faulkner. "But can we really call ourselves inclusive if we don't include the contributions of these two well-adjusted self-starters, who toiled bravely in the twilight hours to improve the artistic merit of that monument — leaving no signature and seizing no glory?" The UT System is currently discussing a referendum to build a statue memorializing the unknown Good Samaritans.

Rembrants reportedly glad they wrote that song
LOS ANGELES — Rembrants members Danny Wilde and Phil Solem announced yesterday that they were "really glad" they wrote the theme song for the popular NBC sitcom "Friends." "I never expected 'I'll Be There for You' to be a theme song. Every time people hear it, they'll think of us," Wilde told reporters. Though the duo still performs music, both members expressed relief that they were no longer pressured to be popular or to sell CDs. When asked if they were planning on recording new material, Wilde replied, "Hey, remember when they're playing around in the fountain during the opening credits? I love that part."

Bush declares war on atmosphere
KEY LARGO, FL — Less than 48 hours after a series of hurricanes laid siege to the Florida coast, killing dozens and leaving millions without power, President George Bush today held a news conference announcing his plan to declare war on the atmosphere and "put an end to meteorological terrorism." Bush decried the attacks and vowed to punish those responsible. "Our freedoms and liberty make us a target of hatred and bitter envy the world over. Because of this, we cannot predict when or by whom attacks on our soil will be perpetrated," Bush said. "We are currently in the process of bringing to justice the terrorist killers responsible for the carnage in Florida." Secretary of State Colin Powell, in a special presentation to the U.N. Security Council this afternoon, cited a junior high natural science textbook to implicate the atmosphere as the terrorist entity responsible for the hurricanes. "According to both Mr. Houghton and Mr. Mifflin," Powell explained, "the troposphere is the atmospheric layer in which weather is formed." Powell concluded by saying he would not rule out the possible collaboration between the troposphere, al-Qaeda and Saddam Hussein.

Goth enthusiast ostracized for joining intramural football team
CAMPUS — Jason Hollister, known by friends as InnerFyre72583, was cast from his social circle Monday when he agreed to join his roommate's IM football team. Much to the dismay of his anti-establishment, noncomformist peers, Hollister, whose dress is limited exclusively to black pants, boots and eye makeup, made the decision to substitute for an absent player because he "needed the exercise." Daniel Robeck, who witnessed Hollister catching a pass to score a touchdown, was horrified by the scene. "I was walking to the graveyard by my house to take pictures for my desktop wallpaper when I saw Jay catch that... ball thing. I was so upset when I saw him give those meatheads high-fives that I turned to run, but I tripped over my cape and broke my glasses. I lay on the street bleeding for hours before someone in a pick-up truck spat on me, and at that point I rolled into a drainage ditch and cried myself to sleep." Confronted by his close friends later that night at an arcade, Jason was labeled a "sell-out" and cursed "with the spite of a demon's eternal burning" for playing in the game. Hollister denied any wrongdoing, but did admit that being outside before dark was a "pleasant change of pace."

Sentimental pansy cries during eulogy
St. Louis, MO — Thirty-two-year-old Robert Valerio blubbered like a "no-balls-having bitch" throughout the eulogy of his grandmother's funeral, said family and friends at Quivering Chins Funeral Home. The eulogy, delivered by the Rev. John Ivins of Trinity Church, was interrupted by Valerio's wussy sobs and whiny pleas to God. "I know that his grandma raised him after he was orphaned at the age of five, and that she was in great health ? making her passing a complete surprise ? and that he never got to make amends with her after their argument the night before," said Jennifer Clouser, one of the mourners embarrassed by the overgrown crybaby's wah-I-want-my-grandma-back tantrum. "But that doesn't mean he can't grieve like he's still got a pair."

West Mall flyer trying too hard
CAMPUS &mdash Rumpled and bruised by passing students carelessly tossing it aside, local flyer FREE BALLROOM DANCING LESSONS remains a defiant fixture of West Mall life. Comprised of seven different fonts and printed on canary yellow paper, the flyer's appearance offends many students. "The all-caps Comic Sans title and stubborn overuse of center alignment clearly indicate that this is the work of a no-talent hack," explained Design junior Bob Cohen. "Whoever made this gaudy, slapdash attempt at a handbill must think very little of his fellow students to try and pass this — this merde d'amateur — for effective flyership." Cohen then tore the flyer in two and ground it beneath his cap-toed Oxford. "J'abandonne," he sighed, "I need a spiced chai mocha latte."

Third-grader ‘has no future’
TAMPA BAY, FL — In a parent-teacher conference Wednesday between Ms. Maple and the parents of third grader Billy Morrison, the Coolidge Elementary School teacher made the assertion that the 9-year-old boy "has no future." The outburst was the result of Ms. Maple's mounting frustration at the Morrisons' lack of concern for their son's failing grades and was followed by an awkward moment of silence. Before Ms. Maple could attempt to retract her statement, Mrs. Morrison said, "It's okay, Ms. Maple. We know." Mr. Morrison added, "The boy is a strange bird. He never quite took to learning." The three then shared a hearty laugh as they watched Billy pretending to bag groceries in the third grade's play store. The remainder of the conference was spent joking about how much time and effort they all could have fruitlessly wasted.

Basketball player gets no love after free throw
DAVENPORT, IL — After making his first of two free throws in a game on Friday, Bombers forward James Kenton leaned forward, arms extended toward two teammates, for the traditional touching of fists, known as "love." However, Kenton's teammates did not meet his advances, and he awkwardly returned to the top of the key to recommence his free throw routine. "James asks for love after every basket. I swear, the guy is needy," said Bombers center Phil Martin in a post-game interview. Teammate Roger Fallow added: "I think Jimmy just needs to get over himself and tone it down on the court. I mean, that free throw ritual of his takes an entire minute. I know. I've counted." Despite the lack of reciprocation, Kenton went on to sink the free throw, and the Bombers went on to beat the Hoopers 44-41. They are currently in second place in the Davenport Adult Basketball League, over-30 division.

Inspiration caused by Olympics fades in local 8-year-old
PLANO, TX — Eight-year-old Daniel Mayborne admitted to himself today that the 100-meter Men's Hurdles was not for him. After watching the Olympics three weeks ago, Mayborne was so touched by the dedication and poise of the athletes that he personally designed a rigorous workout regimen in order to prepare himself for the 2016 Olympics. His parents reported that Mayborne worked tirelessly every day and often made endearing comments about knowing that one day he would bring home the gold. "It was very touching," says Roy Mayborne, Daniel's father. "But about a week ago he just seemed to stop caring. He did less and less of his routine until today, when he just sat on the couch and took periodic naps." Daniel, who referred with disdain to his former "pipe dreams" of hurdling, told reporters that he just doesn't care anymore and will probably take up computer games and smoking.

Student eats, listens to Cake
AUSTIN — Without realizing it, UT student Carl McGinn found himself eating cake while simultaneously listening to the popular band of the same name. "I turned to my roommate and told him to turn his radio up. Sure enough, we were listening to Cake, and I was eating cake, too," remarked McGinn. "What a world." After McGinn finished his cake, his roommate started eating a peach. Ironically, the next song on the radio was "Fuck the Pain Away" by infamous Canadian-born raunch-monger Peaches. "It was so weird that I was eating a peach, and the song we were listening to was by Peaches. Quite a coincidence," McGinn's roommate said. The most unusual part came when McGinn made himself some iced tea to wash down the cake he had eaten. "That's when we heard an advertisement for a new episode of "Law & Order," which, you guessed it, stars Ice-T. It might have been even weirder if a song by Ice-T was playing. Not because I was drinking iced tea, but because he is never on the radio anymore."

HSN donates swords, McGwire rookie cards to needy
LONG BEACH, CA — Proving itself a charity as well as a retailer of quality merchandise, the Home Shopping Network donated housewares and collectibles to a local homeless shelter Saturday morning. Among items donated were gingerbread-scented votive candles, cell phone car adapters and copies of "Scrapbooking Made Easy." HSN spokesperson Charles Rourke characterized the recipients' reactions as "awestruck" when they unwrapped their very own 'Films of John Waters' collector plates and chenille toilet brush cozies. "I would have been grateful for a can of beans, an extra blanket or even 4 easy payments of $99.95" said one resident. "But the functionality and form of a Wolfgang Puck Signature Slow Cooker? Beyond my wildest imagination." Asked about HSN's charitable initiative, Rourke said the opportunity simply presented itself. "These people need food and shelter, but more importantly, they need inspiration. I limited-guarantee that there's nothing like a series of beautifully framed watercolors commemorating the US hockey team's victory in the 1980 Winter Olympics to lift their spirits."

Spears' husband wins Powerball lottery
PORTLAND, OR — Kevin Federline, the 26-year-old husband of pop princess Britney Spears, got even luckier last week when he won the $110 million Powerball jackpot. Federline will likely spend the money adding to the collection of designer clothes his wife bought him and supplementing the child support payments his wife has been making on his behalf. Upon verifying her husband's win, Spears reportedly stated, "The only 'powerball' I thought I'd see over the next year was the one pounding my chin."
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