February 2004 (v6 i4)
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Student who isn't you named Rhodes Scholar
Fellow student's achievements highlight your incompetence, laziness
by Ryan B. Martinez, Associate Editor

Rhodes Scholar (left) and you (right)
AUSTIN — A UT student who isn't you has been awarded one of this year's coveted Rhodes Scholarships to study at Oxford University, the Office of Public Affairs announced Tuesday.

Bryan Woolley, a Plan II/Biochemistry senior, was given the distinction in late November, when the Rhodes Scholarship Trust announced its American Scholars list for 2004, upon which your name did not merit a mention.

"The university is always pleased when a student of ours wins an honor like this," UT President Larry Faulkner said. "It's a testament to the strength of our academic programs that we're able to challenge and nurture top-class students" who aren't like you, Faulkner said.

Woolley, a Dean's Scholar, discovered his love for biochemistry at an international science conference in Maryland the summer before his freshman year. He has continued to pursue the subject, winning a $2,500 award from the American Chemical Society for his proposal on the use of bacteriophages in nanotechnology development.

"Oh, that was nothing," said Woolley of the paper that you didn't write. "Just a little something I threw together in a couple of days after reading a science article that inspired me."

For the past two years, Woolley has done undergraduate research on gene therapy treatments for degenerative brain diseases. Every Sunday morning, while your saliva has been collecting into small pools on your bed pillow, Woolley has been collecting saliva samples that may provide the key for treating Parkinson's.

"Nothing makes me happier than knowing that our research could have a positive impact on people's lives," said Woolley, who has also tutored underprivileged schoolchildren whom you care nothing about. "Sometimes it can be discouraging, but it's times like these that keep me going."

As group leader of his Habitat for Humanity team, Woolley has overseen the construction of over 26 houses for needy families. The author of numerous articles that you wouldn't understand, he has also helped organize several on-campus blood drives to which you neglected to donate.

Woolley sees the award as an opportunity for the kind of personal growth that differs markedly from the bedsores that you habitually develop. Instead of moving back in with his parents after graduation, as you will, Woolley will move to the United States' parent country, where he hopes to join an Oxford research program working to create vaccines for biochemical weapons.

"Men have invented so many awful ways to hurt each other," said Woolley, a tear welling up in his eye. "And I don't know if it's worse to be a part of that, or to be one of the people who simply do nothing."

Woolley added: "I, for one, won't be one of those people" who are like you.

The Rhodes Scholarships, established in 1902 in memory of diamond magnate Cecil Rhodes, bring outstanding non-you students from all over the world to study at the University of Oxford. Every year, the Rhodes Trust selects 36 U.S. students who exhibit academic excellence and leadership potential that far surpasses your fast food restaurant managerial skills.
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