 I’m only funny because I’m a dick by Travesty Writer, Total Jerk
What’s up, Captain Lame-ified? Just kidding, shithead. That was just a little flare of what I like to call “complete genius” — you can always expect that sort of thing from me. You’ve got to admit that I do have a way with words.
Wait, are you still mad about the other day? I was kidding! So what if you’re wearing a Korporate Kitsch shirt and your girlfriend is a camel ho—it’s not like I’ve ever R. Kelly’d your car. That’s life, Buck-o. But let me ask you this: how funny is not pointing all of your shortcomings out?
But okay — truce for a second. Just because I jest about the things that make up your identity, like those trucker hats you wear slightly askew, it doesn’t mean we can’t be pseudo-friends. Sure, you probably feel alienated whenever we speak, but that’s just how I operate. You should feel lucky that someone as fucktastic as me is willing to descend from my roost of Awesomeness to talk to your one-joke-per-dinner lame ass.
Oh, you liked my article? Yeah, I know it was funny — about a bajillion other people have told me so too. I wrote most of the paper, if you want to know the truth. All my friends are always on my nuts about the Around Campuses and how “right on” they are, and that I should “write on.” That’s partially why I’m such a dick — people are complete dipshits. That’s one of the problems with being this hilariously funny: I can’t find anyone funny enough to hang out with. Everyone I talk to seems to think that by rattling off lines from Old School they can automatically be considered a funny person. We live in a sad, sad world.
You see, as a person with unmatched wit, I spend most of my time being lonely. This allows me to read, watch, and listen to the absurdities that pervade your boring lives and make me such a lazy and bitter person. While you’re out “meeting people” and “talking to them,” I’m lurking five feet away, gazing through jagged shadows and recording every logical inconsistency of your hollow infatuations. You may consider them as mere preferences with little recourse, but boy are they stupid and easy to make fun of.
So when you talk to me, you might sense an air of pretentiousness, not unlike this very piece of satire that is so intricately laced with irony that you probably don’t even get. You simply cannot fathom the brilliance of my humor, even if I did consider explaining it to your blank face.
After reading this raw explanation, you will say: “I still don’t understand. Why can’t I just like what I like and not have jerks like those Travesty kids misconstrue mere personal preferences and opinions as markers for the value of my very inner-being?” Dude, it’s just too easy. |
