Now that I’m in charge, things are going to change
I am going to make this a more positive, feminine work environmentFinally! I can let out a great, Athenian sigh of relief now that there is a female in charge of this fine publication — me! For years, the Travesty has been an institution of phallic dictations, boyish immaturity, and fart jokes, but that era has now come to a glorious end. No more cracked elbows, peeing-while-standing-up, baseball caps, trucks, athletic ability, or sideburns. I’m so happy, I could just belt out Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful,” because that song expresses my feelings so well right now (plus she is just a really strong woman and a great role model for young girls). So now that I’m Managing Editor, there are going to be some serious changes around here to ensure that women have equal say and fair representation in the Travesty. It also wouldn’t hurt our male staff members to get in touch with their feminine side. Here are a few neat rules that will be put into effect immediately:
Meetings will start off with 30 minutes of sharing time. I feel like we could all be much closer friends, and I want to see that happen this semester. We’ll spend the first few minutes sitting completely silent in a circle on the floor while staring into the eyes of the person directly across from us for two minutes. After that, we’ll do a few deep-breathing exercises to get focused and clear our minds of stressful things that might have happened earlier that day. When we’re finally ready, we’ll play “Thorns and Roses.” Everyone will share one bad thing that happened during the day that they aren’t proud of (a “thorn” story) and one nice thing that happened during the day (a “rose”). Once everyone has had their turn, we will conclude with some basic yoga exercises. Also, someone should bring refreshments and snacks. I just know that we’ll all be best friends in no time.
Vaginal imagery will now be incorporated into each issue. The female form is something to be truly cherished and admired, so what better way to celebrate its beauty than in the 25,000 full-color centerspreads we print each month? The centerspread — or even the last few pages of every issue — will provide plenty of room for pictures of things like blooming flowers, Venus fly traps, the insides of peaches, canyons, and folded silk. I really think this kind of art will make the Travesty flow better each month.
Our office needs some serious redecorating! These white walls are screaming “boring!” in my ears so loud that I can’t even hear myself think! And the “art” on the walls has got to go. I’m pretty sure that the last time I watched Trading Spaces, framed pictures of dogs playing poker and a velvet Elvis weren’t exactly tasteful. I’ve already drawn up some sketches and made a list of what I’d like to see our office look like, which includes earth tones and accent walls. We’ll also reupholster all of the furniture to complement the decor. I’ll be posting a schedule for all of these things, and I’ll also send it to our computer e-mail list thingie so you can keep your schedules clear. If anyone wants to go to Garden Ridge with me tomorrow to find some Georgia O’Keefe prints, that’d be fabulous. This is going to be SO much fun!
The First Annual Travesty Film Festival is now going to be the First Annual Travesty Formal Dance. Other groups on campus put on social events, so why can’t we? Just thinking about how nice we’ll all look in ball gowns and tuxedos makes me smile.
Pictures are worth a thousand words. Wait—a million words! I bought us a scrapbooking kit at Hobby Lobby so we can get started on preserving our memories right away. It came with acid-free paper, glue sticks, and totally cute stickers. This means we need to start taking LOTS of pictures and maybe even arrange a group photo. I’m envisioning something really cool for our portrait: each of us dressed up like our favorite character from a Broadway musical. I’m going as Jean Valjean from Les Misérables, so no one else can be him, okay?
We will be going on a retreat to Perdenales Falls next month to do some team building exercises. You won’t believe the amount of progress we’ll make as a group after we’ve participated in some trust exercises like the human knot for two whole days! Talk about a fun weekend full of great friendships. Let’s make sure we take tons of pictures for our scrapbook!
Every Friday night is Makeover Night at my apartment. I’ll have plenty of Cosmopolitans and Smirnoff Twists on hand for your drinking pleasure. I think we can get two makeovers done each week, so please try not to fight over who gets to go first. We’ll all feel so much better after a good exfoliation, deep conditioning treatment, and Brazilian wax. Makeover Night is mandatory, and those who fail to show up will not only miss out on the time of their life, but they will be fired.
Saturday night is Movie Night! We’ll be watching such classic films as Beaches and Titanic, and afterwards we’ll have a discussion about how the movie made us feel. We can eat popcorn during the movie, too, just like in a real movie theater.
And don’t think that I forgot about shopping. You never know when I might call you to join me for a little mall madness. If you turn me down, there will probably be some not-so-nice things written about you in my diary.
Anyway, I have PMS real bad right now and I’m a little bit nuts from it, so I’m sorry if all these new rules come as a surprise or seem weird. See you on Friday!