CAPRICORN
(December 22 - January 19)
 Some stupid celebrity bullshit is gonna grab everyone's stupid attention and, what? You want a horoscope specific to you? I only deal with the important people, Small-time. Now go away, you're bothering me.
AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence and some other shitty horoscope crap.
 PISCES
(February 19 - March 20)
You will galvanize a civil rights movement for those afflicted with debilitating selfishness when you refuse to give up your bus seat to a handicapped person.
ARIES
(March 21 - April 19)
 Tomorrow, you will break your left leg. Sorry, bro––that's just the roll of the dice. NEXT!
TAURUS
(April 20 - May 20)
Your life's work will finally validate itself when you discover a cure for autism through your research on lab rats. Too bad it only works on rats.
GEMINI
(May 21 - June 20)
Today is the first day of the rest of your drag of a life.
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CANCER
(June 21 - July 22)
I don't know. It's not like I'm some sort of prognosticator or something.
LEO
(July 23 - August 22)
 A negative experience with pet adoption will help you tearfully realize that you can take the puppy out of the pound, but you can’t ever take a pounding from a puppy.
VIRGO
(August 23 - September 22)
Someone in your family must die — take your pick.
LIBRA
(September 23 - October 22)
God will aptly make up for two millennia of absenteeism when he reaches His divine hand through the clouds and rubs you off the face of the Earth with His middle finger.
SCORPIO
(October 23 - November 21)
After decades of writer’s block and mythic reclusiveness, you will finally write that Amazon.com review of J.D. Salinger’s Catcher in the Rye.
SAGITTARIUS
(November 22- December 21)
Letting sparkling grains of sand slip through your fingers as you kneel on a beach, you will ponder both the vastness of the cosmos and the depth of the shit you’ll be in if you don’t find that engagement ring. |
