February 2004 (v6 i4)
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Movie hero lucks out with comic relief henchmen
Defeats criminals despite foibles, follies
by Joel Siegel, Staff Writer

HOLLYWOOD — Spirits ran high this evening after Johnny Allstar, the fumbling IRS floor manager turned keen FBI agent, duped two overweight, leather-clad bald men guarding the home of Allstar’s arch-nemesis, Rupert Nightsky. Allstar claims to have detected the low caliber of his adversaries immediately upon his arrival.

“It was written in their back-and-forth horseplay over some pork ribs,” said Allstar. “There was also a Nerf football next to a worn copy of Hustler. If Nightsky had known about their playful attitudes, he probably would have been pretty upset.”

“But hey, I’m not complaining,” he continued. “Sneaking up behind some guys and clunking their heads together is way easier than conning my way into a dinner party or chasing somebody on my motorcycle— even though it’s better than everyone else’s in the bureau and a lot of fun to drive.”

The defeat of the two guards began a series of victories and clever tricks that led to the capture of Nightsky, who was holding Allstar’s pregnant wife hostage.

“We’ve been after him for as long as I can remember,” said fellow agent and less intrepid sidekick Benjamin Rainer. “We knew his racket was littering the Western seaboard with crime and guys from the Ukraine. Allstar was the first man who had the nerve, force, and wit to stop this huge felony party by finding the evidence we needed.”

Nightsky’s vicious sexual predation was also quelled thanks to Allstar, whose wife suffered near-suffocation while in Nightsky’s possession.

“I told him when he showed up not to seize my wrists,” said Mrs. Allstar in a police report. “And I specified all my allergies: penicillin, cat saliva, mold — I get really bad cedar fever. He insisted his mom didn’t react to Fang and Mr. Cuddleswag, but when he gagged my mouth my lungs nearly gave out I was so stuffed-up. What an asshole.”

Nightsky’s closest sideman, Carter Bassonnett, claims to have predicted the entire sequence of events. He identified the pair of thugs as a problem early on, despite their comedic aesthetic.

“I told boss a thousand times, ‘I don’t know about these guys,’ I said. ‘Lemme do it. I’ll just find that punk Allstar and shoot his goddamn face off!’ But he wouldn’t let me, the bastard! He said I was too intense! It’d be risking too much!” said Bassonnett. However, the sideman also conceded the value of the duo’s humor.

“They did give me a few chuckles though, I’ll admit,” he said. “Like the time Zane donkey-punched Papa Bear for going through a debtor’s refrigerator. ‘What? I’m hungry!’ Heh, those guys.”

The humorous incident involving the henchmen led to the arrest of the unsavory yet diabolically charming Nightsky and the seizure of his large stock of ammunition, narcotics, and trendy high school accessories.

“I guess Lady Luck wasn’t by my side the day I picked those two out,” said Nightsky of the failed guards. “You think you’re pretty smart, don’t you, Allstar? Well, I’ve had both serious and focused henchmen before, and they bored the shit out of me. I mean, these guys were goofy and likeable. But was it worth it? I suppose we all make mistakes.” “Like dealing razor scooters on the black market,” he added. “Lucrative, my ass.”
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