February 2004 Centerspread |
 |
 |
|
 |
62. The Babysitter's Club
After being taken care of by Lisa, a 24 year old professional babysitter with psychological problems and a criminal background, the neighborhood kids beg their moms and dads to stay home! Children who speak without being spoken to first, play pretend, ask questions, or eat snacks will be punished with Lisa's big metal club. The kids must think of an amazing plan to get rid of Lisa, legal or not. |
 |
|
|
12. Mariah Carey Stories to Tell in the Dark
by Whitney Houston
Through a series of heart-stopping vignettes, this book chronicles the horrifying exploits of one of the world’s most vacuous harpies. Read in terror as you come to know the dark realities of Glitter, lose your faith in humanity as you read Mariah’s thoughts on Third World famine, and recoil from the grim truth about her role in the stolen kidney racket in…Mariah Carey Stories to Tell in the Dark! |
 |
|
|
 |
329. The Berenstain Bears Shit in the Woods
A new American classic! |
 |
|
|
7. Bi-Curious George Swings Both Ways
Everyone’s favorite inquisitive primate is back with a basket full of whim and fancy! Capricious and openly experimental, George’s new adventure takes him to greater heights and delights. Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? No, it’s just an unfunny and overly trite joke!! |
 |
|
|
 |
87. Encyclopedia Brown and the Triple-Homicide
Whether it’s stolen roller skates or a whistling ghost, Leroy Brown can solve any case in Idaville. But when three badly decomposed, unidentified bodies with mutilated genitalia turn up in a wooded ravine, will his knack for remembering state capitals and stork flight migration patterns help him find the culprit? Or will the shock of the discovery leave Encyclopedia in a catatonic stupor – a child’s only sane reaction to the realization that everyday life is a thin veil for the horrors of which we are all capable? |
|
|
19. The Satanic Verses
After their plane crashes into the English Channel, two Indian men transform into metaphysical beings caught in an epic battle for dominance. Earning the author a death sentence in his native Iran, this controversial novel challenges traditional religious views of good and evil while seducing the reader with sensuous language and a whimsical pastiche of literary allusions. Now with Scratch ‘n’ Sniff! |
 |
|
|
 |
98. Madeline Threatens Homeland Security
Miss Clavel takes Madeline and her 11 school friends on a field trip to Barcelona, and the girls couldn’t be more excited! But when our incorrigible heroine accidentally gets on a plane to New York City and then makes anti-American comments after arriving, she begins a zany adventure that ultimately raises the terror alert level to Red and leaves five of her school friends handcuffed and blindfolded for shipment to Guantanamo Bay! |
|
|
67. Where the Mild Things Are
When Max gets grounded to his bare, closet-sized room until dinnertime, he conjures up a fanciful wonderland where bedrooms are not closet-sized and where the walls have maybe one or two framed pictures of fruit. This timeless classic will capture the imaginations of boring children everywhere. |
 |
|
|
 |
77. Arthur in: Goddamn This Book Is Boring
In a life best categorized as sincere but deflated mock-heroic, Arthur hits rock bottom, contemplating the best way to paint the wall with his brains. Despite this racey plot, the book will inevitably let you down, and by the end, you’ll be on your feet cheering for Arthur to pull the trigger. |
 |
|
|
31. Charlotte’s Webcam
With her business teetering on the brink of bankruptcy, restauranteur Charlotte Flores has come up with a surefire plan to make a profit: install hidden webcams in her restaurant’s restrooms for Internet broadcasting. What ensues is a steamy exhibition of plops and ploops that eventually hits the newspapers and threatens to smear Charlotte’s reputation forever. |
 |
|
|
|
 |
45. Oh, the People You’ll Do
Dr. Seuss
Looks deceive in this whimsical tale of a gender-bending Seussian character who wanders through a colorful landscape, giving and receiving carnal favors with beings of all colors, genders, and belly-star-based races. Readers turned off by Dr. Seuss’s tame reputation as a children’s book writer should rest assured—the rhyme scheme may be A-B-C-B, but the message is purely triple-X. |
|
|
28. Are you there, Ahura Mazda? It’s Me, Franghâd
Judy Blume and Zarathustra
Twelve-year-old Franghâd has a problem: she’s the last girl in her clique to get her period! Will she ever become a woman? Or has the demon-god Angra Mainyu poisoned her womb, leaving it a gnarled, infertile husk in his crusade to rid the world of all that is good? For the answers to these questions—and for insight on the maxi pads versus tampons debate—Franghâd turns to Ahura Mazda, the Supreme Creator. Menstruation and Manichaeism collide in this coming-of-age tale about a young Zoroastrian girl and her desert-dry uterus! |
|
|
|
|
|
| « Back to the February 2004 issue |
|
