February 2004 (v6 i4)
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Hairdresser pretty sure last guy screwed up new client's hair
AUSTIN - Claudette Holmes scoffed with disdain earlier today when a new client entered her salon, Stripes of Femme, with "pretty flat and kind of dry hair." Holmes focused on the client's hair, saying that the customer's previous hairdresser "must not have been paying attention because it just kind of hangs there like a sheet of boring." Holmes explained that she would remedy her client's hair with a sensible but lively use of layers, which would help to "funk it up a bit."

Heart skips a beat for boxed wine
AUSTIN - Frank Sedio, a lover of exotic food and wine, was at a loss last Thursday evening while deciding on a gift for his girlfriend of two weeks, Lisa Jesop. After reportedly leaving Central Market empty-handed, Sedio made his way to a local HEB in search of the perfect wine to complement the chicken cordon bleu he had prepared for their date. "I was really looking for a nice pinot chardonnay, or possibly a dry Chablis, or even just sauvignon," reported Sedio. "Nothing says more about a man than the drink he offers his lady." Unhappy with the selection of "overrated" Kendall-Jackson, Sedio found himself in between a surfeit of hard lemonade, nonalcoholic beer, and boxed wine. Although tempted to buy a pack of Smirnoff Ice, a distraught Sedio was intrigued by the wine-in-a-box combination. "This box has class written all over it," Sedio said. "I mean, look at the resealable spout - where else can you find that? A wine and a box of this caliber - it must be imported." Despite the boxed wine being comparatively cheaper than the various bottles of merlot and cases of O'Douls, Sedio was pleased with his decision. "I even got a pack of those extravagant Milano cookies. I think they're imported from some little chateau in France," Sedio said. "If you ask me, they're the next Godiva. Lisa's going to be on cloud nine!"

Well-rehearsed outburst poorly executed
DALLAS - In the culmination of 20 minutes of spite and feverish inner monologue, Spaghetti Warehouse patron Samantha Barish failed to insult her "total jerk" of a brother-in-law at their table yesterday. Barish was reportedly very displeased with her inadequate outburst, which she had timed to coincide with a comment of his that was "just like him." However, slammed fists and narrowed eyes couldn't make up for her complete lack of eloquence. All that came out was a geyser of choppy syllables that culminated in a scream of frustration. Barish quickly fled to the ladies' room, where she had practiced the speech just minutes before, to regain her composure and brainstorm ideas for a comeback.

Iran decides to skip all the noise, becomes United States' bitch
TEHRAN, IRAN - In an unprecedented move Tuesday, the sovereign nation of Iran announced an end to a rhetorical battle with the United States that had been ongoing since the American-led invasion of Iraq last year. In a press conference Tuesday afternoon, President Mohammad Khatami-Ardakani, with the support of Iran's Council of Ministers, cited an awareness of the United States' military capabilities as well as an "overwhelming desire to survive" as key factors in the decision. Khatami-Ardakani also announced that Iran would agree to all of the United States' demands "no matter how demeaning or unnecessary." Issued carte blanche, U.S. State Department officials published a list of demands that includes changing the country's name to England Two, a non-stop television broadcast of Dallas, and a noogie session for Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Hoseini-Khamenei administered by actor Bill Murray. Speaking on behalf of his nation, President Khatami-Ardakani expressed disdain for what he perceives to be a "flagrant disregard" of international sovereignty. "We saw what happened to governments installed by the U.S. during the Cold War," said Khatami-Ardakani, "and we don't want to get our asses kicked to the curb. We weren't that adamant in our beliefs anyway."

White, affluent, middle-class male orders the All-American Slam
DES MOINES, IA - At a local Denny's restaurant on Sunday, white, affluent, middle-class male Bob Cooper decided to order an All-American Slam. The choice followed a four-second perusal of the breakfast portion of the menu. "Bingo!" said Cooper as he spotted the item on the menu, "We have a winner." "Gotta support the troops," commented his dining partner Richard Smith. "Amen," said Cooper, "These colors don't run." Upon being asked by the waiter how he would like his eggs, Cooper replied, "What? Over easy." Smith ordered French toast, paused a moment, then revealed that he was "only kidding." The two patrons then shared a hearty laugh.

Cowell's "scathing" insults actually lame, redundant
HOLLYWOOD - Regular viewers of American Idol have confirmed allegations that judge Simon Cowell's insults are not actually scathing, as previously suspected, but lame. After closely studying third-season episodes, a number of Idol audience members now believe Cowell's so-called cutting remarks are just synonyms for "bad." Viewers' suspicions are supported by the fact that Cowell has begun using obscure terms like "pernicious" and "untoward," having exhausted "pathetic," "lousy," "horrendous," "deplorable," "rotten," "pitiful," and "shoddy." A disillusioned former fan, Patrick Wade, explains: "When I first saw the show, I was completely taken aback by Simon's daring use of slurs, like 'dreadful,' 'awful,' and 'I've heard better singing from someone choking on a falafel.' Now I realize once you take away the sarcastic British accent, Simon's insults aren't biting - they're abso-LUTE-ly not. Unbelievable! No to Hollywood." Linguistics specialist Elaine Hardwell adds, "Simon is a master of superlatives, there's no question about that. But technically speaking, you can't have 14 different people all be the 'worst singer you've ever heard.'" Idol experts say speculation began shortly after Cowell described one hopeful's performance as "terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad" and then threatened to move to Australia.

Man decides to run
NORTH CAMPUS - After stepping off his daily shuttle bus, local resident Roger Brenham decided to run all three blocks to his Hyde Park duplex. Brenham, who typically returns home in a pensive stroll, darted through the quiet and shadowy neighborhood streets, gripping his bulging keys in order to maintain his stride. "I don't know," Brenham said, "I just felt like running." Brenham reportedly slowed down upon approaching his home to catch his breath, hoping to conceal his athletic activity from his wife.

Annoying girl wedged out of party talking circle
SOUTH AUSTIN - The casual atmosphere of a local party was disturbed Saturday night when socially inept sophomore Janice Miller interrupted the laid-back conversation of a talking circle. Rather than bridging from a high-school-drinking story to a college-sex story, or a summer- abroad story to a getting-trashed story, Miller reportedly discussed her high school GPA and SAT scores. "One minute Rob was talking about his record-setting keg stand," fellow partygoer Jake Pitts commented, "then before we knew it, she's going off on the SAT's new format and shit like that." Miller was quickly shunned by the circle for her pseudo-intellectual tidbits. After getting another drink, she reportedly returned to find the circle more compressed. She was unable to squeeze herself back into the conversation group and lingered on the outskirts for a few minutes, trying to hear what was being said. She eventually retired to a darkened bedroom to be clumsily groped by a half-conscious grad student until her ride wanted to leave.

Female Jewish comic discusses, imitates mother
AKRON, OH - Halfway through her 10 minute set Monday night at the Yuk-Yuk Bin, comedian Jocelyn Feinbergstein delved into a bit about her mother that would occupy the rest of her time on the stage. This included an impression of her mother, in which Feinbergstein used a very nasal voice to portray her mother's constant nagging and worrying. "When are you going to get married?" she inquired in a dialogue between herself and an imitation of her mother in the presence of a male suitor. She replied in her own voice, "Ma! I told you, no embarrassing me until the second time he meets you!" Parroting her mother once more, Jocelyn remarked: "A mother could just die thinking her only daughter might go unmarried." "What's stopping you?" she replied in her own voice. The crowd at the Yuk-Yuk Bin responded with moderate laughter, attributed to a few people who were vaguely familiar with Jewish stereotypes.

Plan II freshman pretends not to brag about grade
CAMPUS - After his Plan II seminar class, freshman Kenneth Burgher used the time spent walking to the honors dorms with his fellow classmates to reaffirm his intellectual superiority. Burgher made a point to bring up the paper that had been handed back that day. "Professor Schill must've been in a really good mood to give me a grade this high," he reportedly said. "I mean, it's not like I'm that great of a student." Classmate Sarah Banks was unimpressed. "Kenneth always brings up his grade like he's not bragging," she commented, "but he totally is. I hate how he acts like he's God's gift to the universe or something." Burgher, oblivious to his peers' contempt, continued to describe his paper as "ridiculously complex" and "stylistically brilliant." Regardless, he remained confident that "everyone else probably did just as well."
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