October 2003 (v6 i2)
Rockin' into orbit since 1997
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I know you touched the soap dish without washing your hands first
by Your OCD Roommate, Guest Columnist

I know you touched the soap dish without washing your hands first. Hey look, donít try to deny it. I mean, really, whatís the point of using soap at all if the dish is all covered with your icky hand stuff?

Hey, by the way, did you lock the door?

Okay, maybe Iím being too hard on you. I mean, even if we start sanitizing the soap dish and the soap four times a day instead of just three, thereís still all these airborne germs, you know? So I think we should keep the soap in a Ziploc baggie. Just remember to wash your hands before you touch the baggie, okay? Oh right, the soapís in the baggie so...hmm.

Wait, are you sure the doorís locked? Iím going to go double check.

Okay, I was thinking more about the soap. Weíll keep a bottle of that hand-sanitizer stuff by the soap. Use the sanitizer, then open the soap baggie, use the soap, put it back in the baggie, use the sanitizer again, you know? Simple!

Thereís something else we need to talk about though. Not to be in your business or anything, but do you let your boyfriend touch the remote control when he comes over here? Iím really not comfortable with that. Iím not even sure you always remember to wash your hands before you touch it. And neither of you ever puts it back in the right spot. Next to the TV, on the left side. Not the right side, not on top of the TV. I mean, itís not rocket science.

So...I donít want your boyfriend over here anymore. And I think you should shower at least twice after you get back from his place.

Hey, you donít have to give me that dirty look! I mean, youíve asked me not to do certain stuff, too. I agreed to not rearrange your CDs without asking first. Yeah, yeah, so I ďruinedĒ your favorite CD by putting it in the dishwasher. I was only trying to help. It had likeÖ a fingerprint on it. Thatís so nasty. Anyway, I just have a few things I need you to do for me.

Are you sure the door is locked? Iím not sure I heard it click. Iíll be right back.

Bless you. Oh wait, you sneezed! Oh my God! You didnít use a Kleenex!? Now I have to Lysol the whole living room again! But Iím going to go wash my hands first. And make sure you locked the bathroom window. Hey, but stay in here for another minute, okay? I want to make sure we get this resolved.

Look, Iím not a difficult person to live with. I just donít get why you have to act so passive-aggressive. I mean, how many times do I need to tell you that youíre not supposed to put anything on the coffee table except fouróand only fourócurrent magazines arranged in a precise fan-shaped pattern? And why do you have to keep setting your coffee cup down on the coffee table? It doesnít make any logical sense!

Whatís that? I thought you muttered something about wanting to kick my ass. Well, not while youíre wearing those disgusting shoes. You stepped in some mud again, didnít you? Why are you wearing those inside anyway?

And did you remember to lock the door when you came in? Is that window open? I think I need a shower.
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