 I know you touched the soap dish without washing your hands first by Your OCD Roommate, Guest Columnist
I know you touched the soap dish without washing your hands first. Hey look, don’t try to deny it. I mean, really, what’s the point of using soap at all if the dish is all covered with your icky hand stuff?
Hey, by the way, did you lock the door?
Okay, maybe I’m being too hard on you. I mean, even if we start sanitizing the soap dish and the soap four times a day instead of just three, there’s still all these airborne germs, you know? So I think we should keep the soap in a Ziploc baggie. Just remember to wash your hands before you touch the baggie, okay? Oh right, the soap’s in the baggie so...hmm.
Wait, are you sure the door’s locked? I’m going to go double check.
Okay, I was thinking more about the soap. We’ll keep a bottle of that hand-sanitizer stuff by the soap. Use the sanitizer, then open the soap baggie, use the soap, put it back in the baggie, use the sanitizer again, you know? Simple!
There’s something else we need to talk about though. Not to be in your business or anything, but do you let your boyfriend touch the remote control when he comes over here? I’m really not comfortable with that. I’m not even sure you always remember to wash your hands before you touch it. And neither of you ever puts it back in the right spot. Next to the TV, on the left side. Not the right side, not on top of the TV. I mean, it’s not rocket science.
So...I don’t want your boyfriend over here anymore. And I think you should shower at least twice after you get back from his place.
Hey, you don’t have to give me that dirty look! I mean, you’ve asked me not to do certain stuff, too. I agreed to not rearrange your CDs without asking first. Yeah, yeah, so I “ruined” your favorite CD by putting it in the dishwasher. I was only trying to help. It had like… a fingerprint on it. That’s so nasty. Anyway, I just have a few things I need you to do for me.
Are you sure the door is locked? I’m not sure I heard it click. I’ll be right back.
Bless you. Oh wait, you sneezed! Oh my God! You didn’t use a Kleenex!? Now I have to Lysol the whole living room again! But I’m going to go wash my hands first. And make sure you locked the bathroom window. Hey, but stay in here for another minute, okay? I want to make sure we get this resolved.
Look, I’m not a difficult person to live with. I just don’t get why you have to act so passive-aggressive. I mean, how many times do I need to tell you that you’re not supposed to put anything on the coffee table except four—and only four—current magazines arranged in a precise fan-shaped pattern? And why do you have to keep setting your coffee cup down on the coffee table? It doesn’t make any logical sense!
What’s that? I thought you muttered something about wanting to kick my ass. Well, not while you’re wearing those disgusting shoes. You stepped in some mud again, didn’t you? Why are you wearing those inside anyway?
And did you remember to lock the door when you came in? Is that window open? I think I need a shower. |
