March 2003 (v5 i5)
A sock on the doorknob since 1997
 Jump to Issue  

Buy Merchandise

AIM Buddy Icons

Desktop Backgrounds


Who would Jesus bomb?
by Rob Curran, Contributing Writer

[illustration: Aaron Stanush]
So, would Jesus gorge himself on cheese, wine and his neighbor's wife like the French? Or would he speak up in defense of a Babylonian tyrant like the Germans? Je pense nichts, Siegfried et Roi.

If JC were around today, he would have the courage to act unilaterally. I don't remember the verses where he built an international coalition to support his leadership, or where he tolerated anti-American sentiment, probably because those verses are not in the New Testament since Jesus was not a man to pussyfoot.

In the next six weeks, JC would undoubtedly drop twice the tonnage of bombs that his father dropped from the Iraqi skies in 1991. He would aim his first cruise missiles at command and control facilities, public utilities and sites where he suspected the Iraqis had hidden weapons of mass destruction. Owing to the profundity of his humanity, even Jesus could not know for certain if those targets actually housed chemical, biological or nuclear arms.

But nowhere is it written that Jesus worried about collateral civilian casualties, whether they be in the thousands or hundreds of thousandsóJesus understood that you cannot win a war without killing the enemy and those around them.

Furthermore, Jesus would not visit the Middle East himself at this time, as the security risk would be too high and he would never allow his death to come as a symbolic victory for fundamentalists.

Christ would send approximately 200,000 ground troops in after the aerial assault. He would embed reporters into the ranks of the army so that nobody could complain about the coverage being one-sided. Jesus would appear on television regularly, saying how well the war was going and threatening Saddam Hussein.

Jesus Christ's biggest regret was not launching a military campaign against the evil duo Herod and Pontius Pilate before they could capture and execute him. So the American people are very lucky to be ruled by a president who swears by the Christian philosophy of pre-emptive war. Jesus taught us that the only way to prevent someone like Osama Bin Laden from committing extreme violence is to exercise extreme violence on their neighbor first. Or as it says in the New Testament, "Napalm the other cheek."
ę Back to the March 2003 issue
©1997-2006 Texas Travesty | Copyright & Legalese | Issue Credits | Texas Travesty Archives Home