March 2003 (v5 i5)
A sock on the doorknob since 1997
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King of Sports strikes again!
by Ian Skoviss, Dorkiest Kid in the Seventh Grade

What is up, what is up, with your stinky, stinky butt?! Ya think ya so bad? Ya think ya so bad?! You ain't bad-you sad!! HA HA!! You know I'm J.K.'in, doodsters. But seriously, I've got one question: Who rocks the B-ball? Michael Jordan? Shaq Attack? BZZZZZ, WRONG! Nice try, Brainiac! The answer is M-E me, b*ttfungus!! You don't believe me? Well, Okay, here's the story if you dude-suckas think you can handle the INTENSITY!!

Once upon a time, your main man Ian Skoviss KICKED at basketball!! THE END!! Ha Ha, just jokin', my dudes, I'll tell you all about it. Dad put up a basketball net in the driveway because he says I need to start being a normal kid and stop playing make-believe. Whatevs, Dad! He just doesn't get it. Anyway, I started playing and, to be honest with you, things weren't going so badical. So I gave up and went and told Mom that basketball made me sad. And she was like "Cheer up, Buster Brown! Do you think the basketball men on TV were good when they first started? Of course not, practice makes perfect." And then she asked Dad to lower the basketball goal and get me a smaller ball so that it was easier for me. And he lowered it to 6 feet and, my dudes, this is where the real story of Super-Slammin-Skoviss begins!

As soon as I set foot on the driveway I was eyeing that basketball goal and being like "Get ready to get JAMMIFIED you stupid basketball goal!!" Then I ran so mega-fast and leaped up like a kanga-roo-roo-ROO and slammed the ball in with all my powerful muscles! I felt like the best guy at sports in the whole galaxy! I was breathing hard and feeling pumpeder than ever before. Then I decided to go get my big sister's boombox so that I could slam to the jams! I popped in her Matchbox 20 CD and then I just started pulverizing the B-ball! It was just like "I wanna push you around! And I will! And I will!" and I was just rockin' and pretending like I was pushing all the mean jocks around on the court while all the major babe-o-ramas from eighth grade watched like "Oh Baby! Ian is so radified and handsome!"

Then I called my cousin Randall and I'm like "Sup? Wanna come over and watch me slam on my new basketball goal, Bro?" (sometimes we call eachother 'Bro.' It's COOL!) And he's like, "You can't slam, Dweeb Dick" (sometimes he calls me 'Dweeb Dick,' which isn't as cool). Then I was like "Bull Corndogs, Bro! Slammin' is easy cheesey cinchy!" He didn't come over because he knew I'd get super crazy on him and bust my killer moves and be all "Yeah! You want some JAM on your toast, Buddy?!"

So anyway, I just kept pretending I was taking all the stupid b*ttbreaths from school to the hoop with the Skoviss Shuffle. I just dribble up to some poor sucker then I go left, I go right, I go loop-de-loop-de-loo and then I SLAM!! Then I trash talk 'em like "Stick that one to your momma!! Who toots in class and then smells their own toots now, Dummy?!!" It really makes me feel like the coolest dude.

Anyway, that is why, when it comes to sports, I am the awesomest. I've gotta go now, I'm freakin' mondo-starving! Time for Ian to munchy his lunchy!

Ian Skoviss: The Dorkiest Kid in the Seventh Grade appears in 1,282 newspapers and magazines nationwide. Email him at: or chat online on AOL IM, screenname IanSkoviss.
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