March 2003 (v5 i5)
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How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days
by Eric Jenkins, Staff Writer
     Once in a lifetime does a movie with such profound commentary on our perilous American social condition and divine insight into the inner workings of the human psyche arise from sunny southern California to awaken our senses and change the way we look at ourselves, and our world. This is not that movie. This movie is about some dumb broad who wants to viciously toy with some poor schmuck's emotions in order to write a book for her own financial gain. And who would patronize such emasculating drivel anyway? Well I'll tell ya: a bunch of under-sexed Oprah's book club junkies with no husbands because the only guy who even considered them in the last 15 years was rejected because Mr. Whiskers, the favorite of 37 cats, didn't have chemistry with him.

Now you may be asking yourself why anyone would pay $7.75 to go see this piece of ass, and the answer is very simple: Penny Lane. The ticket could cost $7.76 and I'd still gladly pay just for the hope of seeing even one eighth of Kate Hudson's left nipple. On a scale of 1-to-10, she's positutely porkalicious. She puts the word "boneable" in "totally boneable." Being the epitome of every 12-year-old's wet dream that she is, she is a part of the most mind numbing paradoxical union ever to exist on the blue planet. I'm talking about her marriage to that chode from the Black Crows. As tragic as this sounds, it gives every creepy ass looking guy who can play a blues riff the hope that he can one day defy Darwinian law and procreate with the alpha female. However, the child of this unholy union will no doubt unravel the very fabric of the universe.

Oh yeah, there are some other people in the movie too. Starring opposite Katie McNasty is Austin's own dragon riding submariner Matthew McConneghfquey; and get this, he plays a guy with "feelings." The only plausible explanation for his appearance in this movie is that during his last movie shoot he was in the dragon pen stoned and naked, trying to feed the dragons donuts off of his erect phallus, and one of them bit his balls off. Movies like this are a perfect example of exquisitely beefy actors working, as they call it in the biz, "sans testiculars". Anyway, I don't care how "trained" people claim a dragon to be; nothing can quell their insatiable hunger for human scrote. Nothing.

The only acceptable reason why anyone should even think about going to this movie is being dragged there by someone of the feminine persuasion with the promise of hot post-viewing coitus: the kind that you only hear about in your grandfather's lewd discomforting limmericks. Oh yeah, or if you're a girl; especially of the affore mentioned genre. But, if you do end up having to see this, for one reason or another, take comfort in the fact that it could be worse, however false that comfort may be. I give this movie a score of one-and-a-half Mangled McConneghfehquey Testes.

Editor's note: we do not suggest mangling or removing testicles for the purpose of reviewing bad movies.
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