March 2003 (v5 i5)
A sock on the doorknob since 1997
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concerns and praise
from our literate public

Please search for me
I was just wondering if you guys knew anyone who might want to look for me amidst large crowds of people. I keep wandering from place to place making myself as inconspicuous as possible but I'm starting to feel like nobody even gives a darn about where I am anymore. I used to entertain the world with my whereabouts, but now I'm thinking of hanging up the old red-and-white stocking cap. Please come find me.
          Waldo
          Forgotten Trend

Don't wait, propagate
I would like to wrap my tentacles around the conch shell that is your attention, and squirt some verbal ink in your direction. You have a shimmering publication. If your paper were a woman, I'd plant a zygote in her gnarled fallopian tubes faster than a speck of cocaine travels up the groomed nostrils of a waitress-actress in a nightclub restroom. Let my words be the Promethean kindle to your torch, the Immaculate Conception to the virginal womb that is your letters page. Let the people come far and wide to see the greatest wrangler of words round up the golden calf that is this letter. Let them come from India! Let them come from Sierra Leone! Let them travel from Pflugerville! Let them include Madonna Ciccone! Only in America can a magazine like yours throb like a cholesterol clump in the vessels of public discussion!
          Don King
          Promoter

Anyone seen the seersuckers?
I thought I'd take the time to reach out to the young readers of your publication about the troubling decline of a certain Southern institution. I refer to the article of clothing known as the seersucker suit. In my youth, every self-respecting young man had at least twelve. Their striped patterns conveyed a sense of chromatic order that is missing in today's fashion. The blacks and whites stayed separate; they never mixed. And yet there was a lightness about the fabric that seemed to say, "Hey! It's okay. No tension here. Why would you think anything is wrong?" And when there was trouble in this order-a crease or a stain-it was nothing that a little cleansing and a good ol' hanging couldn't solve. You can't find style like that today. So I implore the fine young men of Texas to bring back this great Southern tradition! Huzzah for segregation seersucker suits!
          Trent Lott
          Senior Senator, Mississippi

I will write a letter
Hello once more. I write you again and I will write you more. I can now use future speaking. It will be good to write more to you. Thank you. Hook them, please!
          Kris Popp
          English 507 student
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