CAPRICORN
(December 22 - January 19)
The nostalgia will be overwhelming when somebody mails you a severed head.
AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
That man who said hello to you in the elevator today has been stalking you for the past seven months. You'll wish you hadn't ignored his advances when your face winds up in 100,000 mailboxes opposite a coupon for the Wax King.
PISCES
(February 19 - March 20)
Your professor may be young, rich, and handsome, but remember: there's a reason why people refer to him as Dr. Colostomy.
ARIES
(March 21 - April 19)
Years of frustration, nihilism and poverty will come to an end when you realize that there's no law requiring you to dress your penis in an exact miniature replica of the outfits you wear everyday.
TAURUS
(April 20 - May 20)
You will be the object of a terrifying manhunt following the Department of Homeland Security's discovery that you are the only person to purchase Dustin Diamond's brand new dating-instruction tape, entitled Screech at the Beach Goin' After Some Peach Cheech.
GEMINI
(May 21 - June 20)
An attempt to understand the difference between mountain goats and mountain sheep will take you on an eye-opening world cultural safari, culminating with an inexplicable high-colonic in the bathroom of a Yemeni hair salon.
CANCER
(June 21 - July 22)
Carrot Top may have had sex with your heterosexual father.
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LEO
(July 23 - August 22)
Your joy at the fact that your significant other has scheduled your birthday party at Chuck E Cheese's will be slightly lessened by the discovery of a child-sized turd in the rocket-ship ride, and the realization that, for financial reasons, management has replaced the animatronic band with Blue Oyster Cult.
VIRGO
(August 23 - September 22)
Milk, milk, lemonade. Walk around the corner. Stick your finger up the hole…. Out comes a Tootsie Roll!
LIBRA
(September 23 - October 22)
You will attempt to make some changes in your life by mimicking Subway's Jared Fogel. Disappointment will ensue when you realize that while they might be fun, khakis, flannel shirts, and lameness alone will not help you lose weight.
SCORPIO
(October 23 - November 21)
A movie producer will be convinced to buy your screwball comedy script about that time you and your buddies went places and did stuff and it was really funny and you were drunk and there was that thing with the girl and the toothpaste and how you had to wipe yourself with that piece of a styrofoam take-out container while Jessica Biel watched.
SAGITTARIUS
(November 22- December 21)
Though you will make no changes to your daily routine, in July you will nevertheless be named Queen of the Calgary Stampede-the largest rodeo in north America-despite the fact that you're male, heterosexual and don't care a tuppence for animal husbandry. |
